m_bethany

JOURNAL:

Sitting in my computer room searching on craigslist.org while I live out the middle of the god-forsaken day out here in freaking 100+ degree heat. Fucking sucks. But the jobs are out there. And although I do not put too much faith in Craig's List, it is worth the try. That is what the afternoon is for, personal visits to locations to get a god damn job!

I read my journal from yesterday. And damn, the only thing I thought was....


I am fucking pathetic. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Not only have I let my personal feelings be slashed and torn apart by choice (taking a fucking chance, what a moron am I) but I also have posted my heart and soul as my last attempt to bring back the thing I thought was the root of my happiness.

You know, with 6.5 billion people in the world - I am pretty sure I will find someone else.
And more than likely, someone who will let me at least keep my dignity and tell me things are done and over with. But that would be respectful.

Those are the things I am remembering, the many reasons why. I am tired of loosing sleep, I am tired of leaving messages for a response, and I am tired of holding on to the illusion that he is coming back to me. Because, you know what? If he has not come back with all the shit I have laid on the table, it is time to move on.

My strength needs to return, and I need a hottie to entertain my time who will worship me and let me be humbled right back. Maybe not yet, but the time will come soon where I will need a first play toy - since my last did not want to play with me in all the ways he suggested and I offered. Why didn't he want to? So sad, I think I am good at that shit...

What is really sad too, I have been looking good lately... and the town I now live in has noticed. I love the tree-lined street that is near my house. 3 miles a day, 3 days a week. Fucking rocking body coming back. Now just to get my hair done. I am thinking some hot little number featuring blonde and pink again...

I am a wreck, this is true. I am willing to admit it. But I am also better than what I have been doing, which is two inches shy of groveling at his feet (which I would have done upon request... if he asked). Fucking pathetic. And to be that pathetic when you are as strong as I am is the most devistating thing to accept and rebuild from.

I have to tear down our palace since it obviously only is held up by me. So sad when LOVE is stated between two people and the thought of FOREVER is only in the one. At the end, I have the commitment and he walks away.

Fine. Just pick up and keep going.

"Squint your eyes and smile; the world is so beautiful it hurts to look at it sometimes - but that does not stop me from looking"

Thought of the day, even in the darkness of depression I smile. I have a party with lots of cool fun people this weekend and not one but two hot dates tonight in my local area.

Maybe I am not as hopeless as I seem....

A little song I am listening to that I feel right now so much............... shut up, it is Matchbox 20, the anthem of broken hearts.
*********************************
Matchbox 20 - "Bright Lights"

She got out of town on the railway, new york bound
Took all except my name
Another alien on broadway
Well, some things in this world you just can't change
Some things you can't see until it gets too late

Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone*
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world*
And maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around and come on home

I got a hole in me now*
I got a scar I can talk about*
She keeps a picture of me in her apartment in the city
But some things in this world
Man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't leave until they leave you *
And then the things that you miss, you say *

Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world
And maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around and come on home

Let that city take you in (come on home)
Let that city spit you out (come on home)
Let that city take you down, yeah
For god sakes turn around

Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world
Yeah well, maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights dont receive you
Well, turn yourself around and come on home

Baby, baby, baby, baby
Come on home
*********************************

Yeah, that is it for today. I just hope I can keep optimistic. Oh, 1.5 days no pot. I am wigging out mentally obviously. So OBVIOUS.

Mahalo,
~ the angel*