JOURNAL:
NOW THE ROUGH DRAFT OF THE E-MAIL I AM THIINKING OF SENDING THE EX. MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA, BUT THAT IS WHY I AM POSTING, TO GET FEEDBACK.
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I still shiver at the thought of you sleeping with someone else. For some reason, that is what I fear most - someone else making you as happy as I seemed to make you last week when we had that amazing three hour session... ah, that was so nice. Oh, and you never saw them, but the bruises finally left just the other day... when asked, I just responded, Oh, yeah, that was fun.
That kind of passion we have, that is what makes it so difficult to believe that we cannot work this out at all... You are right though, you should have someone who will love you unconditionally. And that is not me - at least not right now - though I really pray to god (with a little g
) that someone would show me what that means. There are also other details about my daily life (since you are directly removed from it) that you are not privy to that continue to help me evolve...
Yesterday I came to see you (since it had been a while and you also had not returned my messages, I could tell by your demeanor what was going on, and it hurt. But I doubted it, played dumb, thought you were actually happy to see me. That is why I broke up so quickly, because I saw it coming and I was such a fool to let you back into my pussy and my life the way you shoved yourself in last week (however, the sex was mutual).It is definately one thing to sleep with me because you just love my body but to say you love me.... Why do you do that to me? Hold me close and then push me away like I did something wrong in the present when I am barely around to blame anything on anymore! You cannot keep crucifying me for mistakes that I can no longer fix or situations that are from months ago that you never addressed because you did not have the balls to discuss with me (the money, that is what I am talking about). That whole thing really pisses me off because I never wanted you to EVER think that I did not appreciate all you have done for me (and vice versa, I am sure) but to be looped into the group of your "(quote-unquote) friends" that beat you into submission practically just to get their way and you are so nice that you do - like what we were discussing yesterday about [A FRIEND] - I am really glad you are standing up for yourself, but I would like to really honestly know why you consider me one of the people who stay on your couch or come in to get free help or just fucking hit you up all the time! All I ever wanted was time with you in a room all alone so you can relax and I can make the worries of the day disappear while making you smile.... That is all I ever wanted. Simple, and happy.
I know why you brought up the lying, and you are right, I have no excuse. But an explanation, I can muster.~ I have a very difficult time sharing my life with people, I have never had to. At all - ever. I have a few sides to me, one of which you have never met. She had [PRINCE CHARMING] as the once and awhile guy, and her life was hers - she is the player that I fear being sometimes, and she almost was let loose when I met you the first time. But that person, however strong and unfeeling and cold, she gets lonely, and she is jealous of the [ANGEL*] you loved, the [ANGEL*] who was devoted to you after last summer when I came back from the east coast. The person you know me as and have known me as - completely convoluted and disturbed lately - but the one you love is still here. I used to be a nice girl, and I used to love being your trophy, but I could never trust you because I did not feel like an equal. There are a lot of things in your life we never discussed, and I always felt like you were pulling away, even though you continued (esp. the last 6 months) to pull me in to your arms and make me melt. Remember when I came in a few weeks ago to say hi and you were on the floor? I should have pulled away from you and left. I knew better. But I wanted you, and I wanted to feel how we feel when it is just you and I in a bed, alone. Cuddling, holding, talking, having sex/making love, whatever we were doing! I live for that peace you provide just by being you.
It is always when these other people and work and responsibility and - hell - the whole world interupts and breaks up the meetings - and that is what makes it difficult for me to see you like we have been. And on that note, so glad I could help you out of your funk a few weeks ago; I only hope you give me credit for my preformances recently, I worked my tail off to make you cum, but it was recipricated (only I did not have a difficulty in that department thanks). I was ready to be yours though, on just one more day.
This is the part where you bring up how I am not happy with myself. Let me clarify. I am not happy with the person I am around you now because of the position I am in with your friends and you - I actually have not felt comfortable with you since that night at [A GIRLFRIEND]s when we broke up. Ever since then, I have been 10 feet away, scared to be scathed again. And that is most likely why I could not trust you in the bedroom again - and you were right, once we broke up, our trust was broken, and there is very little we can do to get it back this way. We have to want it, and I do not think either one of us really does... not really. I did - but not after all this shit the last two months.
As for the trust issues that kept me from delivering your precious cum on my face, I was ready by the way, and I actually really wanted it. And alas, you shut me down right at the time I was going to jump on you and surprise you (not that you would have been able to believe it)... but someone else took the pleasure that should have been yours technically since you put the seed in my head to grow. Too bad the video camera did not work out. And, for the most-part, you are right: if you really love someone and feel a true mutual respect as well as comfort and trust with a partner - it just happens and you want to make them happy. Well, it did happen, and it was amazingly my idea and my doing. Oh, yeah, and it is official, the blow-job skills are improving every day.
Upon that, I reflected that there must have been something missing. ~ Naw, I was just pissed because you never had the right timing to ask when appropriate. And that was just it - I never felt comfortable enough with you, esp. since seeing that nightshot video on your palm piolet that you eagerly showed my friend Chuck about a year ago of some girl ([EX GIRLIE?]) giving you head... and the mention that she had not known you were taping. Yeah, couldnt trust that one. And with the recent issues with [LAST EX GIRLIE B4 ME], it makes me question your character just a little bit...
But then I remember that I know you, I KNOW you. I would like to think so anyway. And I love to hear your laugh, I love to see you smile, and I honestly could see myself letting us settle and being your everything. That is what I wanted anyway. I just did not believe that it would happen, I always thought you would leave me regardless... and guess what? You did, and I let it happen, because of my personal issues and my stubbornness. I love you so much, but not in the way you can understand. So I guess let me try to explain.... and maybe we can see eye to eye.
Your shop, your business, your mother, your life! I love every second of it - even though long nights in the computer room and sleeping on the floor and on that horrible couch, partying all the time and then none, holding you and making sure your world went as well as you needed it to, making sure you have lunch and that you had something to drink - all the little shit and the big shit, good and bad, I wanted. I was willing to be your partner and take the stress off your mom, to make you completely happy in all the ways I know you knew I could (but didnt), and - most important - I was willing to make your dream mine.
Sad isnt it? There was actually a point where I would have married you and fought to make us work - and we would have - and it would have been great... but I would have regretted that decision and am glad I did not pursue it more than with a simple question to you that one afternoon when we talked about it (marriage that is).
I still would love to make you happy and be your everything - but sadly, as I write this, it could not possibly happen for us. Not now, not after all this shit that has occurred in our lives because of each other. I always wonder what could have happened if I had been stubborn enough not to tell you about [PRINCE CHARMING] and did not accept the cash (because I knew from our conversations you were backpedaling - but I wanted you to have the balls to tell me what you were thinking) for the services rendered and had kept everything so fucking casual like I wanted to... but then I would have never fallen in love with you and I would have never felt as happy as I have with you.
So I guess that is the point: Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all?
You tell me, you are the expert. I have only an idea that maybe what I felt for you was real, you are the one with all the life experience and shit... you tell me.
Really. Email me back. This is much easier to discuss things than in person I am thinking.
NOW THE ROUGH DRAFT OF THE E-MAIL I AM THIINKING OF SENDING THE EX. MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA, BUT THAT IS WHY I AM POSTING, TO GET FEEDBACK.
****************************************
I still shiver at the thought of you sleeping with someone else. For some reason, that is what I fear most - someone else making you as happy as I seemed to make you last week when we had that amazing three hour session... ah, that was so nice. Oh, and you never saw them, but the bruises finally left just the other day... when asked, I just responded, Oh, yeah, that was fun.
That kind of passion we have, that is what makes it so difficult to believe that we cannot work this out at all... You are right though, you should have someone who will love you unconditionally. And that is not me - at least not right now - though I really pray to god (with a little g
) that someone would show me what that means. There are also other details about my daily life (since you are directly removed from it) that you are not privy to that continue to help me evolve...
Yesterday I came to see you (since it had been a while and you also had not returned my messages, I could tell by your demeanor what was going on, and it hurt. But I doubted it, played dumb, thought you were actually happy to see me. That is why I broke up so quickly, because I saw it coming and I was such a fool to let you back into my pussy and my life the way you shoved yourself in last week (however, the sex was mutual).It is definately one thing to sleep with me because you just love my body but to say you love me.... Why do you do that to me? Hold me close and then push me away like I did something wrong in the present when I am barely around to blame anything on anymore! You cannot keep crucifying me for mistakes that I can no longer fix or situations that are from months ago that you never addressed because you did not have the balls to discuss with me (the money, that is what I am talking about). That whole thing really pisses me off because I never wanted you to EVER think that I did not appreciate all you have done for me (and vice versa, I am sure) but to be looped into the group of your "(quote-unquote) friends" that beat you into submission practically just to get their way and you are so nice that you do - like what we were discussing yesterday about [A FRIEND] - I am really glad you are standing up for yourself, but I would like to really honestly know why you consider me one of the people who stay on your couch or come in to get free help or just fucking hit you up all the time! All I ever wanted was time with you in a room all alone so you can relax and I can make the worries of the day disappear while making you smile.... That is all I ever wanted. Simple, and happy.
I know why you brought up the lying, and you are right, I have no excuse. But an explanation, I can muster.~ I have a very difficult time sharing my life with people, I have never had to. At all - ever. I have a few sides to me, one of which you have never met. She had [PRINCE CHARMING] as the once and awhile guy, and her life was hers - she is the player that I fear being sometimes, and she almost was let loose when I met you the first time. But that person, however strong and unfeeling and cold, she gets lonely, and she is jealous of the [ANGEL*] you loved, the [ANGEL*] who was devoted to you after last summer when I came back from the east coast. The person you know me as and have known me as - completely convoluted and disturbed lately - but the one you love is still here. I used to be a nice girl, and I used to love being your trophy, but I could never trust you because I did not feel like an equal. There are a lot of things in your life we never discussed, and I always felt like you were pulling away, even though you continued (esp. the last 6 months) to pull me in to your arms and make me melt. Remember when I came in a few weeks ago to say hi and you were on the floor? I should have pulled away from you and left. I knew better. But I wanted you, and I wanted to feel how we feel when it is just you and I in a bed, alone. Cuddling, holding, talking, having sex/making love, whatever we were doing! I live for that peace you provide just by being you.
It is always when these other people and work and responsibility and - hell - the whole world interupts and breaks up the meetings - and that is what makes it difficult for me to see you like we have been. And on that note, so glad I could help you out of your funk a few weeks ago; I only hope you give me credit for my preformances recently, I worked my tail off to make you cum, but it was recipricated (only I did not have a difficulty in that department thanks). I was ready to be yours though, on just one more day.
This is the part where you bring up how I am not happy with myself. Let me clarify. I am not happy with the person I am around you now because of the position I am in with your friends and you - I actually have not felt comfortable with you since that night at [A GIRLFRIEND]s when we broke up. Ever since then, I have been 10 feet away, scared to be scathed again. And that is most likely why I could not trust you in the bedroom again - and you were right, once we broke up, our trust was broken, and there is very little we can do to get it back this way. We have to want it, and I do not think either one of us really does... not really. I did - but not after all this shit the last two months.
As for the trust issues that kept me from delivering your precious cum on my face, I was ready by the way, and I actually really wanted it. And alas, you shut me down right at the time I was going to jump on you and surprise you (not that you would have been able to believe it)... but someone else took the pleasure that should have been yours technically since you put the seed in my head to grow. Too bad the video camera did not work out. And, for the most-part, you are right: if you really love someone and feel a true mutual respect as well as comfort and trust with a partner - it just happens and you want to make them happy. Well, it did happen, and it was amazingly my idea and my doing. Oh, yeah, and it is official, the blow-job skills are improving every day.
Upon that, I reflected that there must have been something missing. ~ Naw, I was just pissed because you never had the right timing to ask when appropriate. And that was just it - I never felt comfortable enough with you, esp. since seeing that nightshot video on your palm piolet that you eagerly showed my friend Chuck about a year ago of some girl ([EX GIRLIE?]) giving you head... and the mention that she had not known you were taping. Yeah, couldnt trust that one. And with the recent issues with [LAST EX GIRLIE B4 ME], it makes me question your character just a little bit...
But then I remember that I know you, I KNOW you. I would like to think so anyway. And I love to hear your laugh, I love to see you smile, and I honestly could see myself letting us settle and being your everything. That is what I wanted anyway. I just did not believe that it would happen, I always thought you would leave me regardless... and guess what? You did, and I let it happen, because of my personal issues and my stubbornness. I love you so much, but not in the way you can understand. So I guess let me try to explain.... and maybe we can see eye to eye.
Your shop, your business, your mother, your life! I love every second of it - even though long nights in the computer room and sleeping on the floor and on that horrible couch, partying all the time and then none, holding you and making sure your world went as well as you needed it to, making sure you have lunch and that you had something to drink - all the little shit and the big shit, good and bad, I wanted. I was willing to be your partner and take the stress off your mom, to make you completely happy in all the ways I know you knew I could (but didnt), and - most important - I was willing to make your dream mine.
Sad isnt it? There was actually a point where I would have married you and fought to make us work - and we would have - and it would have been great... but I would have regretted that decision and am glad I did not pursue it more than with a simple question to you that one afternoon when we talked about it (marriage that is).
I still would love to make you happy and be your everything - but sadly, as I write this, it could not possibly happen for us. Not now, not after all this shit that has occurred in our lives because of each other. I always wonder what could have happened if I had been stubborn enough not to tell you about [PRINCE CHARMING] and did not accept the cash (because I knew from our conversations you were backpedaling - but I wanted you to have the balls to tell me what you were thinking) for the services rendered and had kept everything so fucking casual like I wanted to... but then I would have never fallen in love with you and I would have never felt as happy as I have with you.
So I guess that is the point: Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all?
You tell me, you are the expert. I have only an idea that maybe what I felt for you was real, you are the one with all the life experience and shit... you tell me.
Really. Email me back. This is much easier to discuss things than in person I am thinking.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
Dont take him back you are far too good for him!