JOURNAL:
Happy Friday!
I am currently in a confused state today. I can feel my body chemistry getting back to normal and I can feel the cheery disposition I used to have as a default peering though the dark grey clouds over my head - the silver lining is here.
************BULLSHIT ALERT********
If you have been following the entries, it seems that my adjustment to sobriety and kicking my ex away (who I am pretty sure now I am/was in love with for reals g! - I fucking suck!) is finally reaching a suitible conclusion. I am getting adjusted to sleeping alone (actually really enjoy it
) although I still woul prefer the company of another warm body.... *clears throat*. I am also diving my work/school again, I am taking tonight off to work on my paper and finally get it emailed to my teacher for at least a bit of extra credit, look for a better job on craig's list, and find a roomie.... the gym has kicked my ass and I have kicked back at it - so needless to say I am really sore (but nice results)! And I have discovered, like my little hoe friend Britney, the Touch of my Hand (although a good solid piece of 'wood' is prefered, the former is effective for most cravings).
***********BULLSHIT ENDS*********
Besides all that being BS, how am I really feeling? Well, I feel like I am re-building my walls again. And I fear that I am going to shut down my emotions for awhile because all the depression lately (the smoking icky-sticky didn't help since it is a depressant) is as a result of me not wanting to accept that HE and I are not for each other - however much I want it to be different. And Jeeezus! Have I longed for his touch again in the last week.... *sniff* I just want a good fuck! Is that too much to ask!?!? Agony of celebacy will fade I think, but not by introducing a new guy in to replace the old. That will just be disappointing, you know?
My 22nd birthday is coming up soon. I will be alone, and I have to be okay with that when my group dinner arrives (I have arranged for dinner at a restaurant for me and my close buds).
I don't know how to be happier than when all my friends are around for me - so that is what I am doing. My sister was supposed to be in town for it but she is arriving a week early (and leaving a week early) so she will not be there to meet everyone - I am a little disappointed in reality, but in my head it crushed me. 
I am also looking for a roommate for May 1st. Know anyone? I don't have anyone concrete yet and I am getting nervous as the date arrives. There is also a number of expenses I am trying to catch up on... what is new right?
There are a number of things hanging in the balance right now but I cannot drop the ball. If I do, I only disappoint me at the expense of me so THAT is not worth it either.
So instead I will be meeting with a SG rep on tuesday evening to arrange for a photo shoot to be featured on the website. That, my friend, is what I am going to do about my depression - lift myself up by showing off my physical attributes and making me smile for the courage it takes to do so.
Have a fantabulous day!
I only want the sun to come out in Malibu so I can get a tan on my lunch break again! And here it comes...
loves & hugs, no lessons for today.
~ the angel*
Happy Friday!
I am currently in a confused state today. I can feel my body chemistry getting back to normal and I can feel the cheery disposition I used to have as a default peering though the dark grey clouds over my head - the silver lining is here.
************BULLSHIT ALERT********
If you have been following the entries, it seems that my adjustment to sobriety and kicking my ex away (who I am pretty sure now I am/was in love with for reals g! - I fucking suck!) is finally reaching a suitible conclusion. I am getting adjusted to sleeping alone (actually really enjoy it
) although I still woul prefer the company of another warm body.... *clears throat*. I am also diving my work/school again, I am taking tonight off to work on my paper and finally get it emailed to my teacher for at least a bit of extra credit, look for a better job on craig's list, and find a roomie.... the gym has kicked my ass and I have kicked back at it - so needless to say I am really sore (but nice results)! And I have discovered, like my little hoe friend Britney, the Touch of my Hand (although a good solid piece of 'wood' is prefered, the former is effective for most cravings).
***********BULLSHIT ENDS*********
Besides all that being BS, how am I really feeling? Well, I feel like I am re-building my walls again. And I fear that I am going to shut down my emotions for awhile because all the depression lately (the smoking icky-sticky didn't help since it is a depressant) is as a result of me not wanting to accept that HE and I are not for each other - however much I want it to be different. And Jeeezus! Have I longed for his touch again in the last week.... *sniff* I just want a good fuck! Is that too much to ask!?!? Agony of celebacy will fade I think, but not by introducing a new guy in to replace the old. That will just be disappointing, you know?
My 22nd birthday is coming up soon. I will be alone, and I have to be okay with that when my group dinner arrives (I have arranged for dinner at a restaurant for me and my close buds).
I don't know how to be happier than when all my friends are around for me - so that is what I am doing. My sister was supposed to be in town for it but she is arriving a week early (and leaving a week early) so she will not be there to meet everyone - I am a little disappointed in reality, but in my head it crushed me.
I am also looking for a roommate for May 1st. Know anyone? I don't have anyone concrete yet and I am getting nervous as the date arrives. There is also a number of expenses I am trying to catch up on... what is new right?
There are a number of things hanging in the balance right now but I cannot drop the ball. If I do, I only disappoint me at the expense of me so THAT is not worth it either.
So instead I will be meeting with a SG rep on tuesday evening to arrange for a photo shoot to be featured on the website. That, my friend, is what I am going to do about my depression - lift myself up by showing off my physical attributes and making me smile for the courage it takes to do so.
Have a fantabulous day!
I only want the sun to come out in Malibu so I can get a tan on my lunch break again! And here it comes...
loves & hugs, no lessons for today.
~ the angel*
surfbetty:
Hey girlie....I wish I could sleep alone, I would love that shit, but I guess the hub. can stay for now....If I was a singel lady I would move out there with ya but I am not sooooo....You are gonna be an SG? That is awsome!!!!! Good luck with the photo shoot....and have a great weekend....
odog44:
The sun came out today!!!! 420 was in full affect. Surf, sun, and tan buns. That's all you need. Make some sand anhels and relax. Time heels wounds and your next love is on the way. 