Body toxic toxic septic sick breaking down falling ill letting go rattling apart.
The night of my last entry i was crying in agony over a new pain that eventually drove me to the emergency room at about midnight. Of all of the things i figured i'd be in the emergency room for, an ear infection was not exactly on the list. I will skip the part where i point out, my dear audience, that i know pain and have lived with pain all of my life and this, my dear audience, was a pain i could not rationalise with. Well, then, i suppose i didn't skip that part.
After the first dosage of ear drops and antibiotics, that was no longer a problem. (Well, i haven't felt that pain since then but they're still not right and tend to hurt when a headache comes over me now... i don't think i was on enough antiboiotics long enough but i have another doctor appointment soon) The problem, and what has ultimately been keeping me away from every aspect of my life, is that experience triggered a massive fibro flare up that refused to die down.
And then, in recovery from this ... this minor everyday trauma... the World took my Vioxx away from me. My little tiny saviours. Oh, certainly, they never touched my fibro-created pains... but there is a reason that most of you out there are wholly unfamiliar with my original saga of pain... my headaches that tortured me and the medications and doctors that destroyed me and oh... No time for medical history now. No, point enough being that i do suffer from constant constant deathly headaches but dear sweet vioxx has kept them to such a minimum and now for the past two weeks i have rationed out the tiny little pills i have left and even all the Tramadol/Ultracet in the world (kind gentleman of a drug it is, eases my fibro pain just a little bit for me, unlike any other has yet) will not touch these fiend headaches and NO, damn you, NO, fuck you, Celebrex and Bextra are NOT FUCKING THE SAME, i have BEEN ON THEM. They may do better than nothing but my time is running out and i am afraid. I am afraid.
And then, most recently, mister Mu the unkind brought home some sort of modern cold from his office and i have been sick and swimming in this ruined defective diseased body of mine.
I have so let myself go these past months. Much of my weight has come back, and my grooming capabilities are at a minimum. Such is why i have made every effort to miss SgBoston events because i barely wanted to be seen the way i was at my best, let alone to be seen the way i am now.
And everything is just. So. Hard. And nothing is really worth it anymore. And i want to think of something positive to say so as to not enforce this image of myself this stereotype i have not just now become but have, in fact, been known as by everyone ever in my life (or rather, outside of my life and looking in) but it's really not true no not at all... it's not just how i am it's just that i'm struggling so hard and i'm not negative i'm just so sick and tired and trying trying trying and not knowing exactly what i'm even trying for. Everything is slipping away and i just want a do-over, or nothing at all.
oh! I almost forgot. It is That Month again.
"everything starts and everything ends in October"
but i feel no autumnal magic this year, be it dark or saintly or fae or anything anything at all. Surely it will be but another grey month into a series of grey months.
The night of my last entry i was crying in agony over a new pain that eventually drove me to the emergency room at about midnight. Of all of the things i figured i'd be in the emergency room for, an ear infection was not exactly on the list. I will skip the part where i point out, my dear audience, that i know pain and have lived with pain all of my life and this, my dear audience, was a pain i could not rationalise with. Well, then, i suppose i didn't skip that part.
After the first dosage of ear drops and antibiotics, that was no longer a problem. (Well, i haven't felt that pain since then but they're still not right and tend to hurt when a headache comes over me now... i don't think i was on enough antiboiotics long enough but i have another doctor appointment soon) The problem, and what has ultimately been keeping me away from every aspect of my life, is that experience triggered a massive fibro flare up that refused to die down.
And then, in recovery from this ... this minor everyday trauma... the World took my Vioxx away from me. My little tiny saviours. Oh, certainly, they never touched my fibro-created pains... but there is a reason that most of you out there are wholly unfamiliar with my original saga of pain... my headaches that tortured me and the medications and doctors that destroyed me and oh... No time for medical history now. No, point enough being that i do suffer from constant constant deathly headaches but dear sweet vioxx has kept them to such a minimum and now for the past two weeks i have rationed out the tiny little pills i have left and even all the Tramadol/Ultracet in the world (kind gentleman of a drug it is, eases my fibro pain just a little bit for me, unlike any other has yet) will not touch these fiend headaches and NO, damn you, NO, fuck you, Celebrex and Bextra are NOT FUCKING THE SAME, i have BEEN ON THEM. They may do better than nothing but my time is running out and i am afraid. I am afraid.
And then, most recently, mister Mu the unkind brought home some sort of modern cold from his office and i have been sick and swimming in this ruined defective diseased body of mine.
I have so let myself go these past months. Much of my weight has come back, and my grooming capabilities are at a minimum. Such is why i have made every effort to miss SgBoston events because i barely wanted to be seen the way i was at my best, let alone to be seen the way i am now.
And everything is just. So. Hard. And nothing is really worth it anymore. And i want to think of something positive to say so as to not enforce this image of myself this stereotype i have not just now become but have, in fact, been known as by everyone ever in my life (or rather, outside of my life and looking in) but it's really not true no not at all... it's not just how i am it's just that i'm struggling so hard and i'm not negative i'm just so sick and tired and trying trying trying and not knowing exactly what i'm even trying for. Everything is slipping away and i just want a do-over, or nothing at all.
oh! I almost forgot. It is That Month again.
"everything starts and everything ends in October"
but i feel no autumnal magic this year, be it dark or saintly or fae or anything anything at all. Surely it will be but another grey month into a series of grey months.
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ta ta