Ugh. Anyway. As i was saying.
Goodbye 2003. You'll get no "Pretty Good Year" from me. Not this year. Like i said. The year i lost my father, and about 30+ pounds. Oh yes, quite significant. Fuck you. Fuck you 2003.
2004 isn't starting for me, however. It refuses to. Or rather, i refuse to believe that it is just as horrible and full of hate and poison. No, certainly, this incredible suicidal depression and paranoia and dagger eyes is not part of this new year but hanging on from last year which simply refuses to go away. So every day i say, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow the new year starts."
The new year means... cleaning up. Getting stuff done. Moving again. Not moving as in location but moving as in body. Moving my body. Yoga or exercise or something other than wallowing under a dirty blanket. Fetal position and night sweats. Sleep all day and night. Yes, still, but no longer. Not "tomorrow". Not 2004.
2004 also means going vegetarian. No, really. Not just "Well i eat pretty much 70% vegetarian and 10% vegan and only 20% otherwise and that's enough." No, i'm going 85% vegetarian and 15% vegan and that's it. No, i lie. Subtract a 1% in there somewhere so i can make an exception for the rare social event where there are no alternatives because this is a diet-mindset-lifestyle thing for me and not morality thing and i'm not strong enough in it yet to make people go out of their way to accommodate me. But enough of that subject.
I'm incredibly depressed today and full of hate and certain the world hates me and while it may not want me dead actively it would not care if i was or not. People in my life don't care about me, and all that paranoid self-pity-wallow crap. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm done. The point is i'm quite bad off right now, and i want to fucking start this new year and it's in my way and fuck...
Well, between this post and another post i most certainly did not write i think i feel better and vented... and please, don't feel obligated to reply to this or comment on it's contents i'm just getting poison out of my system, you know? That's all. Consider it a "I'm not sayin' nothin. I'm just sayin'" Thing. Because I'm tired now and i'm going to go read or something. I have "How it All Vegan" (the most highly praised veggie cookbook with really hot girls on the cover ever), "Fast Food Nation" (because i STILL can not resist the siren call of the grease and evil across the street from where i work) and both FLCL mangas waiting for me. One of them will have an answer for something i'm certain. But i'm still depressed and crazed enough that no other music in the world can reach me but Bright Eyes and a little B&s. But mostly fucking Bright Eyes. Man. Fuck. That's the inside of my head and heart right there.
Man. This post is lame. Why i gotta be so lame?
Goodbye 2003. You'll get no "Pretty Good Year" from me. Not this year. Like i said. The year i lost my father, and about 30+ pounds. Oh yes, quite significant. Fuck you. Fuck you 2003.
2004 isn't starting for me, however. It refuses to. Or rather, i refuse to believe that it is just as horrible and full of hate and poison. No, certainly, this incredible suicidal depression and paranoia and dagger eyes is not part of this new year but hanging on from last year which simply refuses to go away. So every day i say, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow the new year starts."
The new year means... cleaning up. Getting stuff done. Moving again. Not moving as in location but moving as in body. Moving my body. Yoga or exercise or something other than wallowing under a dirty blanket. Fetal position and night sweats. Sleep all day and night. Yes, still, but no longer. Not "tomorrow". Not 2004.
2004 also means going vegetarian. No, really. Not just "Well i eat pretty much 70% vegetarian and 10% vegan and only 20% otherwise and that's enough." No, i'm going 85% vegetarian and 15% vegan and that's it. No, i lie. Subtract a 1% in there somewhere so i can make an exception for the rare social event where there are no alternatives because this is a diet-mindset-lifestyle thing for me and not morality thing and i'm not strong enough in it yet to make people go out of their way to accommodate me. But enough of that subject.
I'm incredibly depressed today and full of hate and certain the world hates me and while it may not want me dead actively it would not care if i was or not. People in my life don't care about me, and all that paranoid self-pity-wallow crap. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm done. The point is i'm quite bad off right now, and i want to fucking start this new year and it's in my way and fuck...
Well, between this post and another post i most certainly did not write i think i feel better and vented... and please, don't feel obligated to reply to this or comment on it's contents i'm just getting poison out of my system, you know? That's all. Consider it a "I'm not sayin' nothin. I'm just sayin'" Thing. Because I'm tired now and i'm going to go read or something. I have "How it All Vegan" (the most highly praised veggie cookbook with really hot girls on the cover ever), "Fast Food Nation" (because i STILL can not resist the siren call of the grease and evil across the street from where i work) and both FLCL mangas waiting for me. One of them will have an answer for something i'm certain. But i'm still depressed and crazed enough that no other music in the world can reach me but Bright Eyes and a little B&s. But mostly fucking Bright Eyes. Man. Fuck. That's the inside of my head and heart right there.
Man. This post is lame. Why i gotta be so lame?
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You can come to our vegan potluck on Feb 6th, though!