Thank you all for your kind words and support. I did not finish that rant i was writing but i would very much like to one day and i hope to post it here.
Actually, i have been steadfastedly avoiding dealing with my situation while at the same time wallowing in it and being resentful over my inability to have the opportunity to deal with, and then when i do have time to myself i find myself in such a state of grey emptiness that i can do nothing but sleep (or some similar state - watch television, compulsively b&p, whatever. I'm mostly a sleep addict, though.)
The girl (atticstar) was here for almost a week. I was supposed to go see her for the first time but then things got messed up. As much as she'll present our time (alone, roommate gone to finland on business) as warm and wonderful, i really did ruin it for the both of us. I wasn't "okay" enough for her - to give her a good birthday, to make up for me not finally seeing her like she's always wanted, to not be distant and sleepy and grey - and i wasn't "not okay" enough for me - to get that sleeping moping crying angry angst whatever out of my system. We never talked about what happened, really, but then again it never seemed the right time to.
And then it was time to go back to work where i had to be busy and do projects and work with customers and somehow there it was so much more easy to be reminded of the badness, of what was missing in my life, of what had happened and how can i be here back at work and just going on and how can you people be laughing over there at some joke and not caring about me? I don't mean that in an egotistical way, i mean that in my messed up brain-chemical state my paranoia starts to rise and there seems to be all these little things that just PROVE that my coworkers don't like me, or don't really care or whatever else but i'm sure it's just me but then again...
I think i had something else to write but i'm actually starting to talk and think about feelings and thoughts and i'm not feeling up for that.
I left work early yesterday and did not go in today and the fact that my work is okay with that should prove to me that they are being supportive of me. But i'm not using this time right. I just sleep, or try to distract and get away which is what i've done all my life and it's never really worked.
Anyway. I REALLy don't want to talk about it right now, not about what it is that's tearing my life apart right now. Not THAt whole thing. I just want to talk about the anguish of not wanting to talk about or deal with while at the same time not being able to go on with life normally. Does that make sense? Maybe next time will be for talking about it. Maybe.
Actually, i have been steadfastedly avoiding dealing with my situation while at the same time wallowing in it and being resentful over my inability to have the opportunity to deal with, and then when i do have time to myself i find myself in such a state of grey emptiness that i can do nothing but sleep (or some similar state - watch television, compulsively b&p, whatever. I'm mostly a sleep addict, though.)
The girl (atticstar) was here for almost a week. I was supposed to go see her for the first time but then things got messed up. As much as she'll present our time (alone, roommate gone to finland on business) as warm and wonderful, i really did ruin it for the both of us. I wasn't "okay" enough for her - to give her a good birthday, to make up for me not finally seeing her like she's always wanted, to not be distant and sleepy and grey - and i wasn't "not okay" enough for me - to get that sleeping moping crying angry angst whatever out of my system. We never talked about what happened, really, but then again it never seemed the right time to.
And then it was time to go back to work where i had to be busy and do projects and work with customers and somehow there it was so much more easy to be reminded of the badness, of what was missing in my life, of what had happened and how can i be here back at work and just going on and how can you people be laughing over there at some joke and not caring about me? I don't mean that in an egotistical way, i mean that in my messed up brain-chemical state my paranoia starts to rise and there seems to be all these little things that just PROVE that my coworkers don't like me, or don't really care or whatever else but i'm sure it's just me but then again...
I think i had something else to write but i'm actually starting to talk and think about feelings and thoughts and i'm not feeling up for that.
I left work early yesterday and did not go in today and the fact that my work is okay with that should prove to me that they are being supportive of me. But i'm not using this time right. I just sleep, or try to distract and get away which is what i've done all my life and it's never really worked.
Anyway. I REALLy don't want to talk about it right now, not about what it is that's tearing my life apart right now. Not THAt whole thing. I just want to talk about the anguish of not wanting to talk about or deal with while at the same time not being able to go on with life normally. Does that make sense? Maybe next time will be for talking about it. Maybe.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
lv:
atticstar:
you should fill in what makes you happy