"I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----"
This summer heralds the ten year anniversary of many heavy events. After all, ten years ago today i turned 18, a significant year. I find that I am ill-equipped to deal with this situation.
Despite the original intention of the poem i've quoted, which has haunted my brains nonstop this year, that one is not the event I am here to speak of today. Not the piece of history that repeated itself at such a meaningful time.
A month ago today (o hai univerz, thnx 4 erly bday prezzy) I wound up in the hospital with my third bleeding ulcer, naturally bigger and nastier than ever. It was so large, in such a bad place, so much blood lost, etc etc that I will be somewhat fucked-over by it for the rest of my life.
I can never again take my celebrex, or even vioxx should it ever come back. No advil or motrin or aspirin. No nsaids. Nothing.
Also, this bitch is going to take forever to heal. I just NOW can start having small amounts of caffeine and weak tea but still no soda and months until i can have alcohol. And yes, I can feel the sadness in my stomach if I have straight tea. Tannin and caffeine are both harsh on it. In september I need to go back for another entrosocopy to make sure there isn't too much scar tissue/damage wich could cause long term problems because of it's placement at the top of my intestines.
At the moment it has just been 'me and tylenol 3' but not only does codeine do little-to-nothing for me anyway but I've been out of it over a week because no one will refill it for me. so really just tylenol. I take tramadol for my Fibro pain but it has never touched my headaches so yeah.
I'm not looking for drugs. I am tired ad out of it all the time as it is, I don't need any help with that. But at the same time wish my doctor would consider giving me something as an option. At the moment all everyone has me doing is waiting for various appointments I have set up with new neurologists to come around but that's another month away. And that pain clinic just wanted to try the lidocaine drip again which did nothing for me so no thnx try again please.
There is more but I am tired and i hurt. I'm miserable and in pain pretty much all of the time. I was supposed to come out of hiding this summer. I haven't answered an email or gone out to a show or anything in almost a year. And now it's been even worse. I'm a little sorry for complaining all the time and not being fun or useful but at the same time, not really because if it's annoying/upsetting to YOU think about how it feels to be on the inside of it.
'now and again it seems worse than it is but mostly the view is accurate'
"For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.
And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood
Or a piece of my hair or my clothes."
One year in every ten
I manage it----"
This summer heralds the ten year anniversary of many heavy events. After all, ten years ago today i turned 18, a significant year. I find that I am ill-equipped to deal with this situation.
Despite the original intention of the poem i've quoted, which has haunted my brains nonstop this year, that one is not the event I am here to speak of today. Not the piece of history that repeated itself at such a meaningful time.
A month ago today (o hai univerz, thnx 4 erly bday prezzy) I wound up in the hospital with my third bleeding ulcer, naturally bigger and nastier than ever. It was so large, in such a bad place, so much blood lost, etc etc that I will be somewhat fucked-over by it for the rest of my life.
I can never again take my celebrex, or even vioxx should it ever come back. No advil or motrin or aspirin. No nsaids. Nothing.
Also, this bitch is going to take forever to heal. I just NOW can start having small amounts of caffeine and weak tea but still no soda and months until i can have alcohol. And yes, I can feel the sadness in my stomach if I have straight tea. Tannin and caffeine are both harsh on it. In september I need to go back for another entrosocopy to make sure there isn't too much scar tissue/damage wich could cause long term problems because of it's placement at the top of my intestines.
At the moment it has just been 'me and tylenol 3' but not only does codeine do little-to-nothing for me anyway but I've been out of it over a week because no one will refill it for me. so really just tylenol. I take tramadol for my Fibro pain but it has never touched my headaches so yeah.
I'm not looking for drugs. I am tired ad out of it all the time as it is, I don't need any help with that. But at the same time wish my doctor would consider giving me something as an option. At the moment all everyone has me doing is waiting for various appointments I have set up with new neurologists to come around but that's another month away. And that pain clinic just wanted to try the lidocaine drip again which did nothing for me so no thnx try again please.
There is more but I am tired and i hurt. I'm miserable and in pain pretty much all of the time. I was supposed to come out of hiding this summer. I haven't answered an email or gone out to a show or anything in almost a year. And now it's been even worse. I'm a little sorry for complaining all the time and not being fun or useful but at the same time, not really because if it's annoying/upsetting to YOU think about how it feels to be on the inside of it.
'now and again it seems worse than it is but mostly the view is accurate'
"For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.
And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood
Or a piece of my hair or my clothes."
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
I sincerely hope things start to look up for you hun...
I hope that you are okay. I read ALL of your blogs and you are amazing. It was like a great memoir that I couldn't put down.
Your words moved me because I could have spoken them myself.
I have some type of neuropathy from chronic Lyme disease that is much like Fibro as well many other illnesses.
I would love to talk with you and others in the group.
I'm so sorry about all that you have been through and hope that you have found some help.