I didn't mean it disparagingly though. If there's any way to just state a fact like that without a pejorative intent towards her.

I'm mad at myself.

She does care a little. Enough so for us to still be friends in the face of abuse mental/verbal from her bf who insists I'm some lecherous violent devil only preying on her for my own pleasure. And my actual dramatic craziness besides.

I told him I'd pray for her then blocked him. We'd been talking about his apparent and continuing insecurities about her fidelity. Then I was informed that he was trying to dox me.

Since then he's been a fountain of racist bullshit and general verbal abuse directed at her which has my stomach turned so far that I actually can't digest anything. I'm physically as intolerant now as he is towards my race.

Going there was me giving him a giant piece of hater cake so that he can get as hard as he wants trying to claim I went there to rape her.

She says she wouldn't allow that because she'd deny it. I'm like he'd be saving you and it's his word against mine which would count for nothing.

And I mean I don't expect anyone to give a shit anyway since I don't need to be a part of her life. So least of all someone in her circumstances, stressed as she is with other priorities of which I am the least of the least.

Whatever she's getting besides the verbal abuse.. which is me avoiding it by refusing to watch her live streams anymore because he's there, is none of my business.

Which is somehow ironic because her favorite word lately it's cuck. She doesn't know what it means.. which is the irony and a source of his abuse because he's constantly calling her stupid. But it's very acute when she called me a cuck because I guess I am. The sting of it might have been what's had me simmering ever since she started saying it. Every time she says it I internalize it as an attack.

So why get her an iPhone, airpods, a rode microphone and then drive all the way there for a hand delivery when the airpods didn't get there?

Clearly I'm insane. But that's the only comfort I believe I can offer.

But I mean why not, it's not like the items are going to waste. Or that I have anything better to do with my time..

Or that at least this magnificently stupid episode might be what I need to snap me out of it. Doesn't mean I know what to do or how to change.

I'm not deficient enough to believe nothing else is going to happen but I've put enough glycerin, cyanide, and gasoline etc into this pot and lit the fire. Minimum that's gonna happen is I'm going to have to remove myself from her life. It'll be easy to do once she gives up on me.. but don't know what I can do without causing real damage to encourage her to do it. Because I can't do it myself.