lzim

He's like hey man.. you can't be that nice, my friend from highschool was like you and he committed suicide

I'm like yep

He's like he killed himself

I'm like yes i understand because that's what happens

However.. I'm 36 so if by now, 15 years older than I thought I'd get to.. and on a trajectory that seems like there's a wall coming at me.. I'm still here doing stupid shit that causes drama, what difference does it make. At least the anger keeps my blood pumping.

So anyway, I might have made a couple of mistakes.. the net result of which is I'm just angry and don't know what to do about it.

Mentioned just recently that 'my friend won't send me nudes' and as dumb as it sounds I'm not complaining about not getting any, there's the whole internet for that.. it's still bothering me that people single me out as someone that shouldn't get them.

It's been bothering me and I'm trying to sleep on it because it happened again.. but it's not working. I'm still really mad.

What happened,

Given the drama on Bigo, or more like I kept befriending young broadcasters that would make me their admins which opens you up to their life stories and friendship, but it would turn out they were there for attention all along.

What's a guy to do? Delete them.

But I don't do that. They just delete me. I've been all over the place with reactions when I get blocked.

Instead I'll help out here and there and however I can. And whatever is whatever if I get blocked.

Trying to make an earnest friendship you know. Whatever that means for online things.

But one day I'm on a file sharing website and I find a request for my friend's nudes, from Bigo (two of them actually). It was particular because wtf why are you on here. But also because it appeared she was advertising a premium snapchat from her Instagram.

I asked her about it. She brushed it off.

I didn't care so didn't really pursue the issue then.

A few days ago I saw her pop up again on the file sharing site. Still nothing being shared but again the Instagram ad.

This is particular again I thought because I was following her story all day, she was doing one of those question stickers.. but suddenly.. no more story.

I asked her about the ad and her premium snapchat again.

'i'm being cringey'

'don't worry about it'

'i don't want you to look down on me'

Etc

I don't know why but the simple disrespect of hiding it from me, the duplicity.. and ultimately she said.. not you

'Yeah I'm just mean I guess'

I'll try to see it your way is all I could manage

She replied that that wasn't fair and I'd given her the impression I didn't think much of people that sold such content online. So she was refusing to share that side of herself, her strongest side because that's her energy and personality and what had drawn me to her on Bigo in the first place.

Not you

... I'm just like bro do you even fucking know me. Literally, the shit I go through to be 'kind' and generous and shit... And it keeps coming back at me like this. Why do I get myself into these situations.

Why does it make me angry.

But let's be real.. what pissed me off was that all the assholes she was sharing that account with were from Bigo. The dudes I was muting and kicking out of her broadcasts. That's the part that's been boiling my blood beyond the pettiness of feeling rejected. Because it hasn't just been her, it's a serial pattern of behavior.

But the net result is that she's had that account, which is her business for a while and thought she had to hide it from me. That literally makes it personal. But that I have to ignore it, and that she lied about it. Pretty much encouraged her to set it up anyway and would have gladly helped her out.

But no. Not you.

It feels only appropriate to let her continue living her life then without me. I'm simply not important enough to not just be left in the shade like that.

Meanwhile it isn't about me so for the time being it's whatever. It's a supreme effort that's truly beyond me to not delete all traces and salt the Earth.

The other thing I did.. and I'm sure I fucked up.. is I went back on Periscope.

That file sharing site was posting broadcasts of a person in Spain somewhat religiously. As in the rest of us, expecting something interesting from anything that was getting uploaded, couldn't figure out what the point was. She wasn't getting naked, she was speaking Spanish so most of us couldn't even understand her. And mostly she'd talk to her friends anyway.

He must just be obsessed (the site owner and uploader of the broadcasts).. which is not lost on me😂

This was going on for a few days when I realised she was still active but he wasn't sharing her profile name.

This made it difficult to do any meaningful research. For whatever reason he was calling her a name she wasn't using, or had already moved on from.

Once I figured out her profile name... Fuck I just missed her Peri broadcast (which as only 14 minutes.. hmm)... Actually finding her stuff besides what was being uploaded was hard.

I couldn't figure out why it was so hard, but there was significant amounts of interests in her and there was a large cache of her broadcasts out there.

So why did it feel like she didn't exist? Maybe most people just didn't find her that interesting considering the stuff they were accustomed to from Livestream platforms.

Eventually I started following her broadcasts on Periscope, live. This is difficult because I don't know how to just sit there and watch a broadcast.. I have to interact. But there's a language barrier. I understand a little though.

So I'm like fine I'll lurk in her lives and at the very least I'll absorb some native Spanish and probably get back on Duolingo to learn more.

That lasted a couple of weeks. Given the time difference, it was hard to be there every live. Plus I've been doing 50, 60, hours a week in order to fill my time up, and sleeping the rest to avoid being totally burned out. Since I'm trying to stay off destiny, and any other games.. and don't want to be falling into drama on another broadcast.

Which is boring.. so...

So she's like Periscope is boring y'all I'm gonna leave.

🤦🏾♂️

But she starting talking about Bigo

I'm like I know Bigo. So I asked her about it (she doesn't usually respond to me, and although she can speak English, so only responds in Spanish)

I could be triggered by this since I'm from Montreal and had to deal with Bill 101, but it's her live, it's her safe place.

So I added her on Bigo.

It feels good to understand by context.

Well turns out she didn't need me on Bigo either, not that I expected to be needed, but she continued to impress me by, not getting banned, but also because she brought her friends to Bigo with her. They did social broadcasts which Bigo encourages but they don't help you build a fan base or provide much of an opportunity to generate income.

But if she wants to spend time on Bigo, that can be the safest way to do it.

It was even harder to justify really trying to interact with her.

That lasted a week. And actually periscope has added a multiple guest feature she could try so she'll be less bored of it.

I was like.. already upset. Someone said I ought to replace the other Bigo girl (which one 🤷🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️) that was doing the premium snap thing behind my back (I'm guessing several of them do it).

I tried to explain that I don't just replace people though because ultimately.. they aren't my friends, and they can do whatever they want. I'm literally nothing to them and that's fine with me.

Bullshit.

But this week has pushed me realise just what the effects are when im forcing myself to deny basic facts.

So the Spanish one.. I'm lurking, as I do, but she seems bored, specifically then, but also lately. As in she's got a room up with a bunch of her friends, and no one is talking.

Chance!

I pop 80$ on the app to obtain some diamonds. And give her a gift.

I mean that was all I was really waiting to do since she mentioned Bigo. But I noticed how, due to her approach to Bigo, being social.. she wasn't getting as much attention and exposure to the monetization potential of the platform. And it didn't seem possible that no one else from the file sharing site came over.

Or that Bigo Spain would have remained oblivious to her this long.

Or that she wouldn't have both feet on the Bigo treadmill fast tracking her to being featured on their home page.

That's what happened to most of the girls I was admin for. But they didn't have a room full of friends as a block to her pushing attention to people.. I'm just a little foil.. or probably just a giant fool.

Basically without gifts and levels, she wouldn't get access to the apps built in features to expose her to their global audience.

So I gave her a little gift.

As if proving my point about her not being used to getting gifts on the platform she did the fish face with huge eyes expression.. of what just happened?!

She's like 'can I suck your dick'

Also suddenly she knows my username

Note that she said it in English with her Spanish accent. I'm so sad I couldn't record it though because it was amazing.

I'm like nooooo that's not what I have that for

That lasted a couple of minutes. There's nothing I can do though with that attention because there's still the language barrier. Her friends were being mindful of it, trying to talk to me in English, but it was like, this isn't about me, just keep being lively.

I almost dropped my phone and in catching it I touched the screen and queued to join the broadcast.. she got all excited. I'm like nope and noped the fuck out.

But they chatted about it and I caught enough to understand that, like on Periscope, where I'd gotten accustomed to giving a superheart whenever I'd catch her live.. she was saying it's ok you don't have to do that. I would prefer real money gifts.

I get it.

Again, this means she doesn't understand the Bigo platform. At 6k gifts she'll be able to start cashing out, that's like 60 or 70 dollars US, where Bigo takes a ludicrous amount for themselves. But that's probably going to take a while if it isn't her focus anyway.

She said something about PayPal.

Chance!

I'm like ok fine what's your PayPal.

She's like, something at Outlook.com

I on purpose asked her to confirm by going Outlook.. who uses Outlook.

So I tried to send something by PayPal.

It failed.

Tried to confirm the email.. she's like Outlook.es

I'm like yeah ok, eventually that worked.

But during the something like 15 minutes it took to get that to work I kept gifting the room of 6 to 9 people.

Not ignoring the demured male best friend whom she'd focused on most from Periscope. Wasn't trying to start anything. But he also wasn't either.

So they were all buzzing about the gifts.. which was the plan.. until I asked her again to check her PayPal.

She's like no way.

I gave her 100 euros.. like a real gift instead of just a token amount. It's her birthday soon and it felt like, through my research, that she'd been going live for fun for years.. I'm assuming uncompensated.

They were beside themselves. I figured though I might as well open a door so I asked in her DMs if I could follow her IG and snap. No response. Which I'm fine with since I'm still really mad and don't need to be jumping into yet another sause pan.

But the next day, she's back on periscope.. I'm at work though so I just set it to record and was trying to do other shit.. which could have been a disaster because I locked my computer and tried to leave my office.. my manager kinda steam rolled me right back in and was like yeah.. I need you to help this user right now..

I'm like FML.. fuck my fucking life... I can't open my computer right now because he's gonna ask what the stream recording app is

Somehow I managed to dodge fake and evade like neo in the matrix, maybe losing some face because, being as an IT tech what he was asking me to do I should have done blind folded. And I'm pretty sure I can't seem to be less than professional right now because they've got me back on the phones instead of as a desk side tech.. possibly because I was taking too many liberties.

When I got home I saw someone had also clipped the broadcast.. because she adjusted her top...🤷🏾♂️

It's sad I guess but the site owner had pretty much stopped uploading her broadcasts.. which he'd do regularly in batches... And has started carrying on a meme of telling us she was dead. Morbid but sad and also hilarious.

Good thing I capped that broadcast though because she was still talking about the donation.

I'm like 🤦🏾♂️omfg stop. But I can't understand everything she said. Plus I can't really do anything about the attention anyway.. so rats.

But then as I was making a shorter clip to get a translation (please help).. the last seconds of it she says she'll get a piercing with the money. I'm like..🤦🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️

So I don't know, but I think I fucked up. Can't even find anyone that can translate the broadcast or at least give me the gist of what she was saying.. it sounded like she was being derogatory, but if not in a mean way then that's fine. The thing is she didn't reply to my dms. She said I should chat with her in the dms. Not sure if I should care about that part as much because it'll take some Google translating regardless.

So.. idk.. I wasn't trying to replace anyone, because it's not like I have people I really focus on these days.. but sure it would have been interesting to see where that could have gone.

But not of I screwed up her safe place on Bigo.

(Angry at myself because it seems like I might have)

But it's only been a few days. Could let the dust settle and try to be active on Peri and Bigo like before and see what happens.