lzim

S1e4

I'm forcing myself to watch Sense 8. I literally can't keep focused on the screen for most of an episode.

But my certain biases aside I'm not in a right state of mind lately so I don't know if I should watch it. And it's not that I hate the show so far.. it's just that 4 episodes in and it isn't even trying to make sense. Too many things seem too forced and everyone speaks English. I'm close to clawing my eyes out.

It's literally like being made to stir hot tea as the spoon. I don't wanna be in this tea stop making me. I want out but I can taste the sweetness and it's almost enough to make me want to ignore the bitterness and scalding heat. I understand what tea is and I'll drink it.. it doesn't need to be stirred for 4 episodes. Let it be still and let me just drink it.

But really it feels like without my friend from Maine, it's been 2 weeks.. I'm adrift. Totally a shambles. But it isn't from the anger I had that 3rd or 4th night when I got a confirmation that I had suspected correctly that she was asked to drop me. And it isn't from a lack of people to talk to.. it seems like I'm making even more friends now. In fact a few of them have straight up said I love this guy. 2 said aw man when I had to leave. 2 had this puppy dog look in their eyes when I was gone for a minute. She'd had that same reaction the week before (3 weeks ago now, but her boyfriend was there so she had him to rely while I was only gone a few minutes to do my Snapchat streaks).

The woman from Arizona was a similar situation. That second day she said how she'd felt bad I didn't contact her after we friended each other during a Vault of Glass raid in Destiny 1. 4 years ago already. I should have stuck to my guns when her boyfriend texted me from her phone to leave her alone because they were fucking. I delete pretty much everything related to her on the spot (obviously). But we reconnected because I'd refused to give up on her. She said she was so stunned that I wanted to just give up that she cried which had put her boyfriend off. He left and kind of shunned her. A few iterations of similar drama later I said fuck it and walked away.

I'm not sure what a curse is but if it's just adversity.. that's fine. Never wanting to stop because I feel like I don't have a choice.. feels like a curse.

So I'm really trying to get through this day by day. Being on a 7 day a week schedule is going to help because I'll have no down time.

But while I'm here I have nothing to do. I don't want to do anything. One of the girls wanted to connect on PS4 to play Fortnite. I hate pvp so in principal it'll never happen but I added her anyway.

In the last two weeks NPR played a couple of interesting stories, one about a modern Buddhist that wants to keep Buddhism simple and directed at asking questions not just relying on answers. Another was about a black woman (Dame Willbur, check the moth radio hour story, it's priceless) that met a fortune teller that told her she was totally and absolutely cursed to never find love (she did thereafter). And yet another was about a Harvard professor that believes that in life we have choices to make. Typically the choices we make are wrong.

And to count them I've had 3 actual mediums tell me I'm fucked to live in misery. But I've known that since I was a kid and some woman (somehow related to the family or a close friend of my aunt's) proclaimed that I was miserable. I'll never forget how she said it because my grandmother says it the same way.. mis zeh rebel. So that's 5 in all? Um..

So have been saying for many years that whenever I do something it's because I'm at the bottom of an inverted decision making pyramid. Everyone else is in the wider upper parts and they all choose to do whatever they want. Down at the bottom of that pyramid or funnel there's little room for making decisions.

It's not that I decided to work 7 days a week (because I usually leave early during week so I work 30 hours not 40.. adding an overnight on Saturday just means an extra 12 hours). There's no one else that wants to do those hours during the week and for reasons, the dude that was going in Saturday nights was finally bumped back to day shift.

Right exactly now I benefit so I can't rationally decide otherwise. I could choose to charge 52 hours but not work 40 hours during the week (not decided yet).. or I could choose to only charge 42 for the whole week. The only benefit that matters to me right now is that I have to move around every day. The money they are paying sure as shit isn't a motivation.

So.. I'm trying to watch Sense 8 episode 4.

Things are happening and it's like get on with it.. but because the scalding tea has had time to cool.. my skin comfortably numbed like being in a really hot shower (not my thing really).. my personal biases aren't able to yell louder than the howling pain that never fails to assail me.. that I'm ignoring like the constant ringing of tinnitus that I've lived with for decades...

I'm here wondering if Sense 8 will actually do the linked mind sci-fi trope properly.

It seems they are purely out for the psychological angle so far but the majority of the plot threads are completely unrelatable.

The Mexican 3some is totally foreign. The Indian woman (in part of India where everyone speaks English) is totally nonsensical. The German thieves are completely boring especially because I'd actually want to hear some German (just finished Duolingo German course after almost a year practicing almost daily). The African kid facing down a street gang where no one gets killed.. I could throw my hands up. And the Americans.. both of them are pissing me off.

Leaving just the girl from London. She speaks to me because she's the only one I'd actually want to get to know.. but she is the most distant so far with a story that's just totally depressing. She's the type of person I chat with on Bigo. Just a girl that wants to chat that has something to say but just isn't built to put herself out their conventionally. She'd do it through her music. Otherwise it feels like you have to pry her open and get her talking.

Typically I can overwhelm a chat when they let me.. often someone will get pissed and all why's she only responding to me. Shrugs. Sometimes they'll make me admin even though I say not to in my bio because I won't have time to show up and can't make that commitment.

Sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes they don't respond and it's a little awkward because they are like ok doesn't anyone else want to talk? Well probably not because it's an Asian focused app and they go out of their way to drive all the young American girls out.

So I'm stuck trying to make some kind of connection before they get banned (which I'm now somehow part of that process for the kids under 13 by reporting them directly to the moderator lady). Like with the girl I added on PS4 to play Fortnite. Which isn't likely to happen.

Or that other girl I found on musically. Musically was a deeper dive than I'd care to admit.

Mentioned that Bigo has a section for Vlogs that are mostly stolen videos from other sites like musically. While investigating where the videos came from and making an email to musically to point out that Bigo seems to be benefiting from their videos.. I found one girl on musically that was a bit different.

One video in particular was her answering the question about her age. She said that she was much older than the apps age limit of 13. She seems older than 13.. but that's about as far as I can guess.. and usually I guess pretty good. What's interesting is that up to her profile I'd checked out a few from the stolen videos and found that most musers didn't really stick with it for long. But it wasn't from the typical toxicity of a social network where you can get to really know people.. unless perhaps it was exactly that they didn't want to be known.

There's also that this muser looked very much like my friend from Maine but a couple of years older. Like scary similar. Like more like her than her own older sister and twin sister.

And that she has like 40 pages of uploads to the typical 1 to 4 pages. A page being a couple of swipes.

How the hell does someone create 40 pages of such real, such powerful, and such raw, and incredible content?

For a couple of days I was really just stunned. Her profile has a snap so I added her.

Her first snaps to come up were to report she'd be off musically for a couple of days. I'm like rip.

But later on she snapped from her tour bus. I'm like that's peculiar. Then she snapped about being in Quebec (where I live). Literally a town or two over.

Totally surreal but I'm already not in a right state of mind lately so....wtv I do my thing of commenting. And remembered being at a sugaring off decades ago on that area.

She's got her spam snap profile (which I learned about today, that it wasn't her main snap account) set basically to public. But she still replied to my comments.

I'd had a hard enough time trying to reconcile that this was someone else under a too similar face. But it helped to read responses directly from her, as much as she stated repeatedly that she has issues talking to people one on one. Her voice is just something else and I didn't even expect to hear it given the typical musically upload doesn't have the muser's own voice.

It's like the problem I've had with Suicide Girls since the beginning.. how can you relate to models and hopefuls when you can't get to know them? Yes there's vlogs here also but they're tragically under used.

Since she answered questions on musically it felt like there was ample amounts of content that would give a good idea of who she is.. not that it would take nearly that many or that I'd ever get through 40 pages of 15 second average videos.

Emotionally speaking it was like sand paper. Somehow that didn't matter.

But I've dealt with sand paper before and given I was ostensibly just poking around musically with no intention of staying I didn't want to comment. But I read many pages of comments.. building an idea about musically.

Actually have a half written blog about most of the above but haven't finished it yet because nothing's happened yet. No drama to report. And god help me I hope there won't be because musically is overrun by children moreso than Bigo.

Back to Sense 8 I realised that I'm going to have to just surrender myself to it as an emotional and psychological show and not a sci-fi show (for now) that deals with adult subject matter that I find totally revolting.

And yet.. psychology even though these people should be jumping out of their skin given what they are experiencing.. wtv it's just a show which mercifully didn't get renewed.