So I..um.. I suppose the proper thing to say is that I'm no longer sure I'm worthy of redemption or forgiveness.
It's been a month already. And her birthday is tomorrow. She even said it just now even though there's no one that doesn't already know. Is it important to me. Yes. She left her phone with her twin sister for a minute.. I told her happy early birthday.
In that month I've had a few people stick up for me..
But then this random kid comes out of nowhere to defend me as an admin on bigo live and to try to get her to forgive me and be my friend again.
It's too much.
I mean firstly I put myself in this position and was trying to avoid it for moths now.. but it's how these things go and a month ago it just seemed inevitable so I rolled with it. As the adult I should have been able to just walk away and not just taken a step back. Trying to justify sticking around by her still calling me a friend, not muting or kicking me.. is limp. She blocked me. That's a clear message. I asked twice to be unblocked after I noticed that I was blocked. She laughed both times saying she'd do it later. But still hasn't. Asking twice was already beyond me because I didn't bother to even check I had assumed she had.
I can't shake the admin thing. I can't shake being protective.
When it happened again, as it typically does, that I stopped in and chatted with another bigo broadcaster and she's like I like you and just spontaneously made me an admin.. I didn't bother to refuse (always my first instinct) because it's bigo. There's just too many haters and pervs to ignore the responsibility of someone asks you for help.
Which is why it's so hard for me to walk away. She has asked me for help and things warmed up from there.
And I stuck around because she (the new broadcaster from yesterday) was getting topless repeatedly 😂 but wasn't showing anything but bare shoulders. Despite that she's tough enough to deal with the pervs (not being new to the app).. she's 15. I was like I should probably stick around to see how this plays out. As there were the usual suspects and a flood of pervs commenting negatively on her appearance besides the typical gross shit they come up with.
And again it just felt good to be admin and to have someone to chat with.. to keep the momentum of the broadcast going. She'd made two of us admins.. the other guy was good too and was dropping gifts on her the whole time.
That was yesterday.
Today she made someone else an admin because the other guy from yesterday deleted his account. Why? Who knows.
But I know from experience that when you're demodded (removed from admin) that there's a notification.
I hate that notification.
It means that either the broadcaster replaced you or deleted the account. But sometimes it was just because rookie broadcasters can only have 1 admin, then another when they've been around to level up for a while. Eventually you get 3.
So when he appeared, the same way I did when I was replaced 3 weeks ago.. I knew it was because he got the notification. He even acknowledged it a minute later.
The new guy though is going to remain admin for the day. He was keeping a running score of his mutes.. which in didn't understand at first. But otherwise was trying to do the momentum thing by chatting... Which is arguably more important.
I eventually figured out what the scores were about but didn't say anything. We also commented on his crappy spelling. And he was being awkward. In that he was pointedly referencing the old broadcaster that I should be walking away from. I'd only given them a one sentence gist of what happened and didn't offer anything else.
Nothing really out of the ordinary.
Then the broadcasters phone died.
While it was in the process of shutting down I heard from my computer that another broadcast started. I checked it out.
And I know I just shouldn't keep going back.
And I know I just shouldn't even talk in that broadcast when I do.
But that's disingenuous to me.
I mentioned that it was early.. unusual for her to be broadcasting so early.
No response.
So I asked if she'd slept well.
No response.
And then said something else.. can't remember what but being that she wasn't being responsive.. I wasn't going to try to talk to her.. just listen until I feel asleep.
But the new guy jumped in.
He started with the why aren't you friends anymore.
I tried to stop him.
Eventually he commented the above and revealed himself as someone we knew from months ago. She just found him annoying. I didn't much care either way but did mute him constantly.
She didn't say anything.
After a couple of minutes she went offline.
I've been telling myself that I know better. That ultimately I'm making things worse because I shouldn't be going back to her broadcast as if nothing's the matter. She doesn't want me there and that should be enough.
She shouldn't have to tell me. But it's worse when others are now involved. My young white girl friends offered to talk to her.. and I declined.
The other thing that happened this week is that she changed her profile picture at one point.
When I noticed it, as I was, and shouldn't have been, on her profile, I noticed her list of people she's 'following' had gone up by 1. So I checked. He was live.
He's a guy I'd seen on and as I rule since the twitch.tv days, I don't watch male broadcasters.
She was watching and commenting.
As soon as I started commenting she got on the defensive and they got protective.
Why are you here?! Do you even know these people. Do you come here every day?
Of course not. I typically stay away from broadcasts with people I wouldn't associate with IRL.
But the broadcaster then called me out. How do you know this girl. Are you stalking her. Aren't you a grown ass man.
Literally he called me on the app and expected me to talk to him about the situation.
I'm at work.. but as I'm seeking some kind of catharsis so I accepted the call. Normally it wouldn't have been an issue because I work the night shift relatively alone but there was another person with me. I would have wanted to maintain decorum and my availability to take calls but I took the call anyway.
I didn't have to do much to defend myself and my actions to these people even though I have no reason to.. but they seemed to understand.
Though they might accept that I'm harmless and mean well there's no defending being close friends with a 14 year old given my age.
After I disconnected from the call I had to talk myself down with the lady behind me because it was so bizarre to have been called out. But more than that I was hurt that she'd used the words pedophile and stalker. It actually had hurt me.
Over the course of the next few days she made it clear she didn't want me there either.. but as I'd been called out publicly to defend myself, and did, and was told I was welcome among them I did sit in and participate.
Yesterday though.. they needed a logo.
She's really good at graphic design.
Eventually they agreed to have her submit a design.
While that was happening she made a rude comment. Everyone got tweaked.
I'm stuck in the middle going in not part of this but tried to mediate and de-escalate the situation.
She promptly apologized for the rudeness.
I'm here unable to grok how surreal that had gotten because it was that rudeness that triggered me. The prompt apology not directed to me was what I'd been seeking the last few weeks and had made peace with it wasn't coming. And that somehow I didn't deserve it.
But I say surreal because during the tense moments after she'd made the dude comments there was lag. No one could hear what was happening. Shit was escalating because she couldn't hear and they were still reacting. I could have sworn he asked me to control her.
I'm like um. No.. I don't 'control' her.
But I did convey to her that the tension was because of a lack of respect to them.. after her apology everyone calmed down.. but he was trying to get mad at me where I was like I didn't do anything and I'm not a part of any of this. I'm not even supposed to be here.
Later in she started broadcasting with her boyfriend and I tried to stay quiet. But it isn't something I'm capable of so I was still participating.
The third wheel.
Eventually someone commented that she was delicious. I made a protective remark.. but she's already in that mood because she's talking to her boyfriend.. she asked her viewers if she is indeed delicious.
It's a trap.
Yes. (And then I'm like 'I mean no comment.')
Standard joke.
She ended the broadcast.
Regrets? I should have them probably. But that's how this has all been. I'm just being me. Just don't know anyone if I'm just being a pest (which I'm fine with) or if I'm being sinister.
Since then, so this morning and afternoon, it feels like she's not herself. But more so than in the last month. Like I'm causing her to cower or something.. that she can't be the free spirit that she usually is. I'm just an icon and text on a screen.