The above is pretty much what went down recently.
The bullshit at work thing is that I've been removed from admin on the exchange server. I already have too little to do so losing mail admin was just a gut punch. I was winded and not seeing straight.
I needed someone to talk to. Just to get the edge off. (Right now though I'm just going to say fuck it and get something to drink in the next few days)
But the part about getting triggered because I was already upset is difficult to explain because I'm always upset. I'm always angry. I'm wearing this nice face because I have to. It's easier to get through the day with it on when I'm expected to deal with people. With my few friends even though I'm still wearing the nice face.. I'm still a person.
People still say I'm brusque. That I'm blunt and almost mean. I just try harder around loved ones. Because they deserve it.
I'm just Dom to them. I'm not the permanently upset adult soured on the many attempts to get my life straight and having it all go to shit anyway.
With her I above all else did not want to cause her pain I did not want to increase her loss.
And I have to stop this 'I need to get involved' when a young person is self harming (because apparently they all are, 70+%). It's just none of my business.
All you have to do to get them to stop is to offer them an adequate distraction. Get them out of their own heads for a while and they'll get back on track. You'll figure out what the bigger problems are and work on them too. And it is actually rewarding and fulfilling to help break these cycles.
So there's no kid gloves, there's no talking down to her, there's no adult and child bullshit. I treated her like a friend and that was it. Sure that's a given but, I don't know, for the nearly half year I've know her, she's turning 15 in 2 weeks.. I was trying harder than usual to be nice.
She still joked often though that I was just a child predator. I should have just gotten triggered the first time she said it. It shouldn't be worth it to have to deal with those pretty jabs.
35 talking to a 14 year old.. there's no other way to put it anyway. But yes it's still aggravating to be reminded of it. Not of the stupidity of being close friends with a 14 year old, genders and races considered..
But that each time we had that little distancing falling out (that only bothers me) it reminded me that I'm old and I missed out on my teen years (and the last 15 to be frank). So more than anything I'm learning from her. And I figured like with other young women I've befriended.. as creepy as I am.. I'm harmless. I'm friendly and I'm helpful.
So why the drama?
Because that's literally what I was telling her. I was like I missed out on my teen years but all I've done is be the shoulder to cry on for other people including herself. One of the other ones (16) said she saw me as that one adult, or friend, or man that young girls want to spill themselves to. That's what I do. So I'm not particularly put off by the inherent danger of being someone they can confide in and get attached to.
She's like why should I care. I don't need your life story. Get over it. Suck my dick.
Triggered.
But that was after just enough stress and her being distant because of her new boyfriend. I had already told her that it was amazing for her to have found someone that good for her. That I understood completely that she was too busy to give me any attention. But because she had taken a couple of minutes to say hi I wasn't just going to pass up the opportunity to have myself get cheered up a little.
Nope.
I kind of felt let down. Like ok wait.. I seriously can't even get a couple of minutes to take the edge off?! The fuck is this shit.
Well I'm an idiot but that's getting redundant at this point.
She got a boyfriend 😂 (3rd since I've known her) but really he's the first serious one that actually is worth her time. That should have been enough to reign the anger in.
So why the drama...
Well.. separation.. anxiety.. abandonment.. idfk something triggered me and it wasn't just the Harvey Weinstein implosion, the mass murders in the media, children being killed left right and center.. which should have made the step back decision easier to make.. something just said no. You're not doing this anymore. You're not going to be that guy to be so petty that you'll cut into this girl over nothing. Not just because she's not acting the same with you now that she's got someone new.
I'm not doing this. Not now. Not to her. Not ever.
I wanted to change what was going on anyway because there was going to be real stupid drama (like I've posted about before). And seeing that path narrowing and getting frighteningly brighter and closer.. something just went no we're done here right now. Leave that girl alone to have a good relationship with her boy. You were a good close friend to her, you did what you wanted to do.. she's not alone right now. Leave. She doesn't need you if you can't keep your shit together.
The black-ish video above was the perfect expression of this. As a black man (thankfully not in America) it is really hard to not get labeled as a child abuser. No matter what my intentions are (I'm just a listener) and as I discussed it with my other little white girl close friend (who's now 18) there's still that creepy vibe sometimes.
I actually tried to twist her arm to make her tell me why she thought I was creepy but she stood her ground. Fine. I'm a little creepy but at the end of the day I'm a great friend.
Why did I just implode my friendship then. It can't just be because I'm an idiot.