lzim

He tells me to change something if I'm not happy.

What's happy got to do with it?

He's known me for years and I've lived in his house for a few years and we've only seldom spoken to each other. He used to try.. and I'm just not one to know where to start or finish.. so I don't. We're strangers to each other.

But if I don't like my life, if I'm not happy, change something.

Change what?

I live in a forest of regret. I'm going blind from the gloom. Every leaf, every branch, every root is a decision I regret. I've known this for years and instead of allowing it to make me go blind.. I act as though I'm blind to it. Whatever little light gets through, whatever little light I can use to see by, whatever tools I can use to set a sure foot forward into the next day, into the next decision.. even if it is probably a bad decision, like not paying taxes, wtv, let the new days come. If I'm not blind tomorrow.. I'll try to make it to the day next.

So another asks me if I'm a gamer.

That's harder to answer because the easy answer is idfk.

I said, because I had the opportunity to vent some.. that maybe at some point a while long ago I was a gamer.. but then the girl next to him who I don't remember ever telling her so said I was a game tester so there's a line in the sand between playing games and testing.. or working with games.

I suppose there is because I drew the line with Mass Effect. I really enjoyed Mass Effect but there's so much regret.

Mass Effect was an odd game because it came after Halo. Halo was console so it was a disruptive game that had to be accepted as such, a console shooter which had a multiplayer component, a strong one.. But after Halo.. Mass Effect didn't.

Why? Why didn't the first one have multiplayer? shrugs.

I remember writing up 25 pages on gametrailers.com about the game. Mostly about its faults.. but also some of the things it did right. Since VIACOM shut that site down and they'd long since erased our blogs I'm sure they are all gone.. but I do remember Mass Effect and my reaction to it.

I'd only just started testing games when I had the opportunity to play the first one and the 25 pages of ripping on it was a direct result of being a game tester trying to play a game while actively trying to break it. When I'd already realized the quagmire of disappointment with something that was an all consuming passion.

It wasn't even that broken to tell you the truth.

But I played it on console. At the time it was a Microsoft exclusive so I couldn't say I regret playing it or how I felt about that game. Only that it was a great and almost singular justification for developing for Xbox exclusively and supporting that as a customer.

What I regret is that AFTER EA bought BioWare for nearly a billion dollars the game went multiplatform.. even if that only meant PC at first.

The game got disrupted because of EA? Because of Microsoft? or just its own success? idk.

But it was a fork. I made a decision to play the game on PC. But I really didn't make a decision. I was PC before Xbox and EA had several games that made it worthwhile to play on PC and have a PC ready to play the next game.

Until Halo. Until Mass Effect. Until Crackdown.. a series of exclusives that made it worthwhile to have both platforms going.. but at the same time several games had already ended. Several studios had already closed and there weren't going to be any more of them.

Mass Effect was an exception, along with the Sims that kept it worthwhile to have a gaming PC.

But also getting a free copy of the game from EAM was cool. Getting to work at EAM was even better.. until I starting asking about SimCity and until they had me test Need For Speed and Mass Effect first attempt at Multiplayer.

I'd decided to play SimCity and continue to play Mass Effect on PC because of the multiplayer.

Looking back today I understand what regret is and how dark the gloom really is because some of the things I regret the most are related to games.. almost everything else.. the real shit I should regret doesn't come close to some of the things I regret about gaming.

Playing Mass Effect on PC meant I missed something very important. Let's say IF and I understand the infantecimal chance, I could have met her sooner. Instead of meeting her in that Venus Raid I could have met her in Mass Effect's multiplayer.. a game I could have kept playing through the early phases at EAM had I not quit that job to start working at ALDO.

Given how things turned out with Destiny.. I don't understand why I'm still playing. Am I a gamer? fuck no.. gaming is just an aspect of the warmth and light of a life I barely remember and I allowed to be destroyed that I cling to because it is familiar.

When he asks me if I'm a gamer and the other what I would change? you mean things that I can change? or would I uproot all of these decisions and try to make right the wreck of my life that I let drift for so long? I said none of the above.. I just said.. look, back in 1996 I asked myself the question, why are people buying 720p HDTVs as if they are hot shit when the dot pitch of those screens is shit? When the screen refresh rate is shit?

2016 and people don't believe in HFR. 2016 and only VR people are talking and 90fps.

Digital TV sets had only just started to gain traction on the market because of the availability of digital content in the form of DVDs. And then games.. and then TV shows later.. but in about 96 I asked.. why spend money on a 720p plasma tv with shit dpi?

Doing the math on what was available for years up to 96 and what would eventually become practical.. if not affordable by now, the 2015-2020 future of DTV.. I thought 4K would be the sweet spot for practical DTV. The sweet spot resolution should be something like 3840x2160. That's pc monitors. 4096x2160 for TV and movies. Games could do either or. Not 1080p.

Even if I was right it was the other factors that played into MANY decisions that ultimately sewed the seeds which grew into the forest of regrets.

One of them was buying a 1080p set because market forcasts basically said 1080 was going to be it until 2015-2020.

It isn't a regret but something like I bought it but stopped using it because it is a TV. I use my 24 monitors and phone instead.

I forced myself to buy the Martian.. Which was after forcing myself to go to Walmart to buy the movie.. Searching for it for 2 hours.. And then trying to get Xbox One to fucking read the disc but it was showing some bullshit windows like error message (instead of using the real bluray player). The movie was awesome.. But the experience of the console and a 24 inch monitor... What the fuck. Honestly. How do people do this, just to watch movies?!

I mean if you haven't go look at a 4k tv. Then 1080p on anything.

It physically hurt to look at 4K and think finally. The employee at Bestbuy might have been looking at me funny. This is what 1996 me was waiting for. As if I'd been bumming around in some funk for over a decade waiting for the world to catch on to the obvious.

But yeah, the thing in the other room that has been gathering dust. I bought it out of pocket. Which as an investment I don't regret.. but it was a TV. A TV I wanted and an impulse buy because it was time.

There was nothing else behind the decision. I scoured the market for a long time before deciding on a Toshiba Regza 1080p TV.

At the time the dpi was right, 42" was right.. and 60 frames per second was adequate. 120hz SHOULD have been the sweet spot for games and TV shows but wtv. Close enough and 120hz sets didn't come until later anyway. Consoles don't really support it.

But I mean I already had a 2048x1536 CRT monitor. I had my resolution game down and a PC with a graphics card, an ATI Rage Fury MAXX.

Still. I bought Xbox, then Xbox 360 and eventually an Xbox One based on that TV. It was an investment as I said that I don't regret. Considering using it all the time but can't. Just can't.

But as a PC gamer that investment in a 1600$ TV and a series of a dozen consoles from Microsoft because I had 2 Xbox, several Xbox 360 and 1 Xbox One.. That money could have kept me VERY happy on PC. Looking back.. I can honestly say I fully and totally regret supporting Xbox despite all the exclusives I enjoyed.

I regret it because between Microsoft's ABSOLUTE failure to deliver on Xbox 360 due to garbage hardware.. and studios that closed.. I lost considerable enjoyment in playing games. Life went to shit too but gaming had been a passion. More than when I was playing Mass Effect actively trying to enjoy it but finding myself to be almost miserable because I could break it.

I could have played it on PC.. and did more than likely because something compelled me to enjoy it on PC versus on Xbox.

But I could have met her had I continued the series on Xbox. It wasn't even like I didn't buy all kinds of Xbox 360 games. I had so many of them.

So wtv.. I have to live with that aspect of regret.. but then I'm like.. there were so many other EA and Microsoft Game Studios games that were exactly the same story. SHIT. MGS and EA like were fucking around for years getting nothing more done than getting great studios to make mediocre games versus what they could have been.. where several could have made more money but didn't have the opportunity to.

I was like SimCity. Spore. Sims. Halo. Crackdown. The list goes on. Console games and games that should have been on consoles.. or games that just needed to be designed better for the audience that existed not the one that EA or MGS wanted or possibly thought they needed to address. The addressable market part is the one that gets me spitting fire.

But ok wtv.. they fucked up over and over and over.. and killed off great games and studios.. wtv..

What does that change for gamers like me that just felt the gloom growing and becoming darker to the point where something like Destiny which should have been a great shining example of how NOT to market something that could be huge.. and then deliver something they just intended to milk for money from the studio that had done nothing but for years beforehand with Halo.

When you're already living with massive regret.. to the point jaded no longer applies.. its like. wtv.. what's more regret at this point. I hadn't really put my foot down and said I'd never play destiny.. just every bone in my body said don't. It was obvious.

It's a console exclusive and that can only lead to more wasted time and regret.

But.. It's Bungie. And Halo was awesome. If there was any light left in the game industry it would come from Destiny right? The people that made what arguably was a brilliant mix of narrative and game play and one hell of a risk for consoles..

I could live with the regret of playing Destiny but it meant also living with the potential regret of Buying Xbox 1.

Same as with Destiny... looking at it and not understanding what anyone saw would be special about it... because fuck space magic.. And the story for the original Destiny content? Is that supposed to be a joke? Or some sick test for console players with nothing left but faith that things can and will get better?

Xbox One was like why in god's name would Microsoft NOT make something more powerful than this? And yet they did. At the very least it wasn't as horrid for build quality as 360.

They've had years of people playing shitty 720p games that barely grazed 1080i nevermind 1080p.. WHY make something inadequate?!

But I said wtv. I know I'm going to regret Xbox One but at the very least my co-workers want to play it with me. I won't be alone.

But those fuckers quit playing!

And then started leaving the company.

I tried to make the most of Destiny.. and really tried to do that while regretting being one of the only people with an Xbox One and Destiny. Instead of PS4 or PC.

And then I mean I met her in that Destiny raid.

DLCs came and the game would notch up a bit but it wasn't Xbox One, or Destiny that was the light.. She was.

Then she wasn't there anymore and I couldn't play Destiny anymore. I tried other games.. Didn't see the point.

They ask me if I would change anything and if I am a gamer. No. Gaming has nothing to do with it. Gaming is a fact of life at this point and I regret it.

I can't change anything because every decision I make leads to regret.

And no I'm not a gamer because I can't find any enjoyment in games.

Playing video games is pure frustration without the people.. without the friends.

I don't know how to regret jumping into Xbox One and Destiny.. or it not having been on PC because she had a gaming PC too.. Destiny wasn't on PC.. we both had to decide to play on Xbox One.

But it wasn't her decision... and this is why I can't say I regret it.. neither of us had decided on Xbox. She could have played it on PS4 and I could have stayed on PC.

It was Destiny that brought us together.. and for better or worse.. Xbox being the for worse part.

Without her.. and glossing over total bullshit that happened in between.. there was Ark. Instead of upgrading the PC in January because I wanted to be done with Xbox.... Why the hell didn't I upgrade the PC then? Because it wasn't the right time. Vishera 10 isn't out. GTX 1070 isn't it. Polaris isn't out. But Ark would gap fill.

Without Destiny I said lemme try Ark. Ark looks like Black and White. It looks like fun. It looks like a game that I could enjoy.

There was TLTTC. Aube. Morgcules and Morgcules the 2th. And Cookie Monster... And the others and the adventures. I loaded up the game and can't find Aube. Became listless. Drank.

I could play that game by myself and enjoy it and did maybe I can again.

Problem is playing it was a grind because Xbox One is inadequate for 1080p. I don't even think the preview for Ark on Xbox runs at 720p. Spending weeks on PS4... Just brings my regret up to some new level that I'd need to learn calculus to understand it.. And why I haven't tossed Xbox into the river.

So I should be playing it on PC. I don't even regret putting months into it because I enjoyed the game for as much time as it was possible to ignore how shit it played in its preview form on XBOX.

I don't regret it because my PC at the time just couldn't handle the game. One of the last things she did for me was she brought me to twitch. Twitch brought me to panduhhxo. She's plays on PC.

I really hate Twitch. But seeing what i7 and GTX can do... Pure regret for waiting so long.

I hate Twitch because, I think I've mentioned it before, even though it is about streaming games.. Twitch isn't based on a game engine.

I ignored Twitch since it was Justin.tv and thought all those years ago it would make more sense for there to be a universal rendered like Unity (in that it is multiplaform on like all platforms and they would love all games to be ported to Unity) , which could allow you to stream/view any game in 720p as a client. So much less bandwidth and more options but nope. Compressed video.

But the concept of game streaming based on compressed video, like console gaming instead of PC, and Netflix instead of HDDVD and Bluray.... and the meteoric rise of smartphone in the face of the decline of the PC is incomprehensible.

So I'm like whatever I can't regret Twitch being what it is but I can try to help people to actually use the service.. even if that means just having them phone up their ISPs and demand better connections.

Can you fucking believe that she did it?! and that it helped?!

And the bullshitter also did and got her connection sorted out too?

wtv

Helping people isn't something I can regret.. it's what gets me through the day.

Twitch is still shit though.

Amazon developing or attempting to develop their own game engine and owning Twitch without addressing the compressed video streaming versus universal renderer thing..

Again. Incomprehensible.

I try to catch as many broadcasts as I can for the people that asked me to be a mod for them.

What that entails is trying to find streamers that play games I can watch that aren't annoying.

More importantly.. ones that I won't get into bullshit relationships with.

More importantly ones that I won't want to break my budget donating too..

Yeah.. wtv

So I found one that plays Ark on PC.

She unlike the other one that I probably won't ever get to play with asked me a few times to play with her.

So..

Back to that.. playing a game. I have to enjoy the game right? I enjoy Ark.

What I don't enjoy is Ark multiplayer because no one plays vanilla. They play on modded servers.

So could I enjoy Ark on PC enough to say ok I can invest in a PC upgrade that will at least have minimal possibility to result in regret.

SURE!

Lets jump right into that pool without checking for water.

I bought $800 worth of parts, a motherboard, a CPU, a cooler and some ram.

Parts. Not even a full PC.. just to say ok maybe I can get the game to run on PC and see if I enjoy it as much as the low resolution low framerate shit on Xbox.

Thankfully the video card I want doesn't go on sale for another couple of weeks.

But it doesn't matter. The game runs. Just about as well as it does on Xbox One.

Worse is that she abandoned vanilla servers to play on modded servers.

Right into the pool. No water.

Regret?!

Wtv

So.

I'm half of the way there.. might as well finish the build.

But he asked me.. am I a gamer?

Fuck no. Xbox is shit and most of the games on it are shit. At least with a PC that can capably handle 4K MAYBE I could enjoy something on PC. If it isn't Ark it could be No Man's Sky.

So looking forward to NMS on PC and PS4 I said, why not buy PS4 now, see what the fuss is about. If it is shit like XB1.. I can build the PC and sell the consoles. Since my xbox games are mostly digital copies IF there's upgraded 4K capable XB1 and PS4 later maybe I'll consider them.

Build it and they will come. Ark might still be viable. NMS. Maybe even take Star Citizen seriously.

And then I have to decide again.. do I want to go 4K?

One of the things being repeated about GTX 1080 and 1070 is that it would be overkill for 1080p resolution.

But my 1996 self looking through these tired jaded eyes is saying.. but we've only finally achieved adequacy! 1080 is like the answer to 1080p. It isn't overkill! It is the benchmark!

Like my half finished PC build.. or while it is in progress I wondered k sure what does adequate mean?

What does having a $1200 to $1500 gaming PC mean if there's nothing to play?

Same as what it meant when I paid that much for my TV. HDDVD and bluray, Xbox 360 and a new Xbox on the horizon. Same thing as VR on the horizon now.

Same as what it likely ended up costing to buy so many Xbox 360s that kept breaking. With games that ended up being shit. Like Criterion saying they were done with burnout. Like Activision shutting Bizarre down because they saw Blur as a failure. It could be soul crushing.

The money is supposed to be an investment in the possibility of enjoying games.. even if these days that possibility is bleak.

I could lose my job tomorrow.

So the build seems pointless.. or just half finished.. and I asked 4K? nah. What about VR?

I bought that shitty VR box as a distraction and was surprised.

Not so much that it could have anything to do with gaming but that it made sense after all if only in the proper context.

Then I saw StarVR.

And was basically shocked because it was an answer to a question. If GTX 1080 and 1070 are probably overkill for 1080p then what are they good for?

VR.

Then I read that StarVR was basically vaporware but at least they put something on the market that could set a benchmark.

Like Betamax, HDDVD, Bluray.. etc

If 5K and 210 degrees isn't the benchmark and if Oculus, Vive, Xbox One, PS4 and whatever comes next end up being the benchmark.. fine.

GTX 1070 will complete my build and I could consider VR to justify it later.

But probably not generation 1 Oculus or Vive. We'll see. But I mean that was my opinion before they went on the market. There's still nothing that justifies the expense of VR. At least having a $1500 gaming PC to play Ark and whatever other PC games I could find like Paragon.. they make sense now.

Just not willing. Just don't have the strength to even try thinking about what is going to come next. There's just too much darkness and regret right now.

What I should plan for or how I can avoid regretting this PC build that I've been holding off for so long.