As I continue down this latrine littered with nothing but shards of broken dreams why am I still surprised that each new day is ripe with the promise of new pain?
I mean yes it's her page. Her twitch channel. And it is up to her to make it the best it can be. All I could do was make suggestion onto deaf ears and follow along. And yes it was extremely arrogant of me to 'demand' to help and give her little choice in the matter in the first place. She trusted me and that's all I need really. All the little things over 6 months that were accomplished and or not don't matter since I ultimately wanted to leave from my most cherished job as supreme mod. Which had meant having the keys to her profiles and freedom to speak on her behalf. No one should demand that. I asked and received and did the best I could to deserve that trust. And returned what I thought was help appreciated and love.
I thought that the end of that relationship that neither of us really wanted, as much as I loved her, meant I needed to make a move on the need to give those keys back and remove myself from a very visible position of authority because none apparently remained deserved. Of course an unfetted rage and frustration of everything else that had gone on lately meant I did a complete wipe. I removed myself from twitch by deactivating my accounts and banned myself from her Xbox Live profile.
When which such an extreme and selfless and painful erasure turns out to not be enough though. Added on to the end of a too suddenly aborted relationship...
That's not what it was about. I pathologically need to help people and seized the opportunity to do so. I stripped myself of power as a sign of good faith.. That I could be trusted to relinquish that type of trust but still deserve it. I wasn't trying to hurt her. Just to quickly complete the separation I didn't want to effect in the first place.
Freed of that responsibility... I'd like to at least look back on my effort and investment though and say...... Whaaaaaaa?
FMFL
But again.. It's hers. It's her life. I'm not part of it anymore.
In fact without Destiny or GTA to play I don't know what at all to do with my day. Or whom to retain on my friends list.
I felt abused... But after seeing her page.. Nothing major wrong with it... And seeing her lament of being bored.. Because I have committed myself to naught else but shameless eavesdropping on her channel... I feel only defeated. Beaten. I did this to myself and to her regardless of what precipitated this clusterfuckery. I did this.
All I have retained as usual is my love for another beautiful woman, inside and out, to whom I have caused pain.
So 4th in a row right? I'm supposed to have learned something right? Nobody needs my fucking help and I really need to get used to saying fuck opportunity unless I'm going to be paid. Down the road there'll only be disappointment and emptiness. Probably ass loads of pain.