I mean saying yes, by no choice of my own, that's an option. But it is so repugnant that I can't abide it. Being called a stalker. So how to avoid it if it means walking away from you.
My aunt told me I should just walk away from you. I said you'd pushed me so far away from everything, blocking me on just about everything despite the reconciliation, to the window to just see in but not be part of, to across the street so I'd have to get creative to stay in contact, to over to the next street.. Basically no contact at all. I'm not even in the same state anymore. You don't need my needy bullshit on top of everything else you're dealing with.
This is beyond weird. This is beyond disgusting. This is beyond reconciliation. This is why I said I'd have no choice in making it stop and don't know how else to do so. I'm filled with too much passion, desire, devotion. Was focused on nothing but you for so long, though it seems such a small time the fires burned so hot and so strong that all of my being was awake and aflame but now I'm ruined as it has no purpose or direction. It is primed and swims in an abundance of fuel and it will only serve to feed the rage that is everything else in my life without you.
I don't want this bullshit. I don't want it for you.
I still ask how... Even when I'm clearly out on the curb, bagged and binned, waiting to be collected and burned, when you're on my every breath, you're my every thought, how. How even now can I not stop thinking about you. Why does my heart ache with every breath though it has been weeks.
She said you didn't deserve people in your life who want to help you the way I offer it. Because as I've told you and how I've described you to her, she'd love you too and knows my effort isn't wasted. So I said you do, and he's there with you. It makes me glad no matter how you've behaved in pushing me away has made me sad that he's there with you and you are there for him. But I'm more sad than I've ever been and she said to find a way out of it because I don't deserve to be called a stalker.
To try to stop being sad she said just walk away. I've always been sad I told her except when I was a friend to you. I was complete then. But in your absence what am I to do? Find someone to replace you? There's no one near if she exists at all. There's no one like you. I can't hollow someone out and fill them with as much awesome as would be required to make them even a pale shadow of you.
I told her it didn't matter because I love you. None of it matters because when you ask me I answer automatically that I love you. I don't want anything from you.. So she said I have to accept that I'm just not what you need in any capacity and you certainly don't want more stalkers. It isn't who I am not what I've offered.
I might have to go ahead and ignore you because that's what you've wanted, even though I've refused. It would be to stop dreaming, breathing, thinking.. My heart would have to stop beating.
I just need to hear your voice and it all goes away.
I'm not a stalker even if you want me to admit that. So I'll ignore you. Because no matter how I explain it, you don't want to know me. If I persist in my refusal to be pushed away. I'm that guy. The nicest thing you could call me then is a stalker. It gets the point across and stabs me right where it has to. So ok I felt it that time. And every other time. I'm strong and can take it and will keep coming back for more but that's a bullshit thing to do if it isn't something you wanted to have to do. If you just ignore me.. That should be good enough for a rational adult human being.
I want to be with you. As a friend, or knight in shining armour as she put it? Yes that's who I am and yes I need a strong woman in my life. I can only stand to have strong women in my life. Yes I'm seeking my gwen. Never finding her had been a real fear. But no.. I'm far from being a stellar human being and don't pretend to be.. But I want to be and do and have promised to be yours however you might need me. But you don't. So I should move on. And so it is that you don't.. I'll have to find some way to understand you must ignore me. But further to that you made fun of that devotion. As a reflex like a hand in fire I have to retreat. Saying that it is funny I ever thought we could be together when I've gone hoarse asking for your friendship.. I'll accept that I'll never be forgiven nor can I deserve your friendship. I'll have to walk away. It would have been great, but this pain I feel when you say these things you must to get the point across and through my foolish forlorn heart.. As much as I want to think I can survive any assault.. That requires you further assail me. Why can't I just accept you just want me gone.