The longer this carries on and the more it feels I'm losing her, whether true or not.. The more it seems a dissociation is developing. The i can deal with being a third wheel.. And the i have to jump ship.
It doesn't help to have some random kid she'd pulled into the party, a mutual friend of theirs, tell me how hilarious that it was that the boyfriend calls her his cock holster. I don't even know. I wasn't prepared. I can't get away from his poison. Like it is so terrifically funny how i react to his influence because i love her too much and I've dived too deep, that I'm taking it all too seriously.
But that i have to hear it second hand from some kid, who at least had enough decency to not repeat that while she was in the party.. I just don't understand. If i have to count it would be the 4th time i needed to correct someone, either because they didn't understand my feelings and that we're not together, or in this case that this kid a friend of the boyfriends i would have ripped a new one but he's just a kid. After, meaning after biting my tongue until it hurt, and a good conversation about delicious az iced tea flavors i stood down. Good kid. Bad influence.
I haven't heard from her today. It isn't pain. Just awareness. Like I've been flying with my heart at the controls for so long but it popped the hatch and jumped. I'm stuck at the controls that just waggle uselessly in their boxes.. The computer is dead. Still. It's just an awareness that the engines are dead, the controls are shot because some idiot got happy with a lariot of bullshit grenades, and the pilot is gone, and this flight no longer has a clear final destination. Don't know where to go or what to do now, but there's a note from the pilot.. 'Stop fucking up.' it reads.
I suppose i could but that would be out of character. Also since i have some actual flights coming up i should probably find another analogy.
So i went to fetch my dinner as per usual.. And at least one delicious disaronno pineapple.
On the reverse of the note was a reminder that i have had my eye on the bar girl. So i gave her a few bits of my story and told her.. If it is over between me and az, drama, friendship, wtv, i had intended to ask her out and now seems to be the best time, the bar girl. I'd missed my chance a few weeks ago, but had asked her friend if she was still single again a week or two ago.. Seeming like her friend was expecting my inquiry, if for her I'm not sure, they are both adorable. She just said give it a shot. So i did.
If i can't pursue az, I'll just set my sights to you instead, I'd said. She was part way between taken aback and just frank surprise. And was like yeah ok. We spoke about scheduling being the main thing tripping up her social life and well as long as it's just friends and no drama..
She's like how far away do you live. I reminded her about az, not far enough for it to matter. I'm like could you be decent if i come over.. She shrugs. Good enough.