lzim

Because I liked her so much..

I'm not a fan of online games. Except Mass Effect. I'm also not a fan of making random friends online and having to find the time to play with them.. but to have gotten that off the ground too made Destiny slightly ground breaking.

I don't like the game because of all the things it lacks in principal, but as a shooter and adventure game.. it isn't totally shit.

Bungie does retain its make it really good and then just make more of it and Activision for their part have allowed Bungie, with remains of Destiny, to scale that out to what's so far 2/3 of an interesting 1st release title in this crazy nonsensical IP.

So for me, this game has been a bit of a roller-coaster ride. It was almost getting boring after 300-400 hours of essentially soloing everything. Then one day.. my phone via reddit mentioned lfg.

LFG makes Destiny more tolerable because you can find random people to join the game and help you through the multiplayer aspects which otherwise are almost impossible for mortals to solo.

I have visited LFG after those first few hundred hours in order to complete the raids and so obtain gear. The gear is inconsequential to me other than Aetheon's Epilogue and Praedyth's Timepiece. Without those two.. and it seems Gjallarhorn and Fatebringer, the game can be harder than it needs to be.

Still.. I only got those first two because of the people I met on lfg. I'm going to need to keep hitting the site though because of the missing couple of elemental primaries and to complete the new raid.

After Bungie patched voice chat in, the game changed. LFG became more than just finding some hired guns.. You were recruiting people for a fireteam. I don't know if it is fate then.. or just coincidence that I ran into this particular group at the time of that patch or not, because recruiting from lfg would have put them into a fireteam with voice anyway. Basically at any point after the patch I could have dropped in on any person or group with individuals who have personalities that would have been just as interesting to be worth the add.

But what I'm saying is that I'm not the kind of person who even likes Xbox Live. To the point that I've had people on my Friends List for years.. actually over a decade, two of them, that I've never really gamed with. And after Destiny that count has only increased by 1 each. I'm just not into it. Normally.

But I have a thing for siren voices and personalities that just pop my cogs. And she does that like few others have been capable of. I was instantly smitten. There's the signature phrases that she utters almost constantly and then there's just her infectious positivity. I'm basically a lost cause. Thankfully it isn't just her but also the group that she rolls with. At first I thought the guy she was chatting with was bugging her... a condescending misogynist asshat with nothing better to do that shit talk a girl gamer with obviously superior skills. That first impression was off the mark I would eventually discover but it was enough that I wanted to intervene.

It was somewhat difficult to just message her and ask if she needed another strike team partner. Lies. I was all over that like a fly on sugar.

Again.. perhaps fate.. perhaps god was trolling but she was like sure whatever add me.

Bliss. And that was the roller coaster flying right off the hill into the Abyss.

It wasn't actually that bad at first because striking with her, as she's so skilled that there's almost nothing to do.. the game became quickly and drastically different to what I'd been doing up that that point. Chatting while gaming, for me at least, remains like trying to chat and drive.. I can do it but it is distracting. Thankfully she's very easy to shoot the shit with so I can concentrate less on both and actually use my game time to relax.

This was two weeks ago and I've not had much relaxing since. It basically became stressful once I realized that the guy she was striking with wasn't just an asshat but her best friend. That dynamic was hard to reconcile also because as far as I came to understand there's an irreconcilable age gap.

This for me is great.. because she and I are nearly birthyear irish twins.. and it helped my ego when she said I was easier to strike with than her other regulars. Not that I need any more lighter fuel on the bonfire I had going since day 1.. but you know... every extra little bit helped. I was basically.. and more than a bit ashamedly still do schedule my days around the possibility of striking with her.

I mean also there's the gaping void that is my personal life.. but I'm happy to fill it with whatever.

It gets to the point though where I have to admit to myself that whatever extends to playing with males from strike groups that I'd otherwise want to ignore. Where's there's no smoke or fire.. I surmise, I should be able to concentrate on the task at hand and get things done. With her though.. distraction or not.. it just so much easier. She's a drug I need a prescription for and it would be really great to have it notarized.

Until she's like yeah.. married.. and I'm like crash and burn.

Fuck you Alanis.. I happen to be listening to Ironic on Spotify and she's like 'Your Lovely Wife'.. Yeah I know Alanis.. I know.. It fucking figures.

No one this amazing and talented.. and funny.. so funny.. so beautiful could be unattached. So it was prickly to be striking with her guy pal alone.. and I was really trying to manage it.. but it was so much awkwardness.. But then yeah.. Mister Awesome.. younger than me.. more talented than me.. and at least 3 times the man than I am.. It was soul crushing.

What am I supposed to do now I thought.. delete all the contacts I've generated with this wonderful person because it just isn't kosher to be courting as severly as attached as married makes one... yeah I mean that would have made sense.. but my rational mind was on Pluto at the time.

I'm striking with the husband and the guy pal. Because she's all I have in lieu of social. *still Spotifying, now Fiona's reminding me of my woe.

My play was playing with her husband and guy pal as just a pal. Which of course I have no intention of remaining. Proposals or otherwise.. I just want this one to remain in my life unlike the ghosts and wisps I retain in the dusty corners of my mind.

Blessedly there was only a couple of days with Mister Awesome.. and thankfully he was the one to quip about how awkward it was to strike with the other men in his lady's life. No shit sherlock.. we're managing because we're adults and no one wants anything more to the point from what we have with each other. I'm looking for a life partner and even if yours would suit me fine.. I'm not here to take her away. Intervene yes. It was like.. how insecure is the situation if you have to make everyone's life more difficult because of those insecurities.. just strike damn it. I don't need any drama or stress. I just can't tolerate it frankly.

So it was confusing for a while because I was made to understand that there was so little there that I had nothing to worry about.. essentially. And again, for me, that's great I'm just playing destiny and despite having other contact methods... I just want it to be platonic. Mixing real feels and shit into that, considering as mentioned that the foundational element of this whole quagmire, Destiny, isn't easy to solo and I do need a competent set of regulars to strike with.. I do put her first. Her and by extension her regulars. Some of them anyway. To the point I was entirely willing to buy the 2/3 expansion for one of them as I'm acutely aware that a massive amount of Destiny's player base are incomeless students. I don't expect to be repaid but at least if I can get a few more strikes and raids because the whole group can play and we aren't stressed by bullshit. Fantastic. $40 is nothing.

I just wanna know just for my sanity.. This isn't a normal outcome of online gaming.. It has more to do with my inability to do anything strictly platonic.. I have to have all these feels and drama no matter what I do. I mean for now it's nice that I've been able to tell her frankly how much she rocks my world.. and that there should be no drama of which I'm a route cause.. that isn't the truth. Just being another man in a married man's wife's life.. That's guaranteed drama. Maybe one day I'll know his pain where he's incapable of just enjoying what he has.. but I'd rather think back on what little I did have and how easy it is to say.. look.. I don't need to fight this fight because she has her own mind and her own heart and she wants to follow it.

If it leads her away.. so be it. If she's following her heart.. that's fine. If she's just interested in someone.. what's wrong with that? Who am I to say she can't explore what she's interested in, or in whom? However as much as mine was basically fucking around I didn't see her as a girlfriend as much as a responsibility. That wasn't really healthy so I'm really just looking for friends and whatever else I can get with people who are strongly passionate about what they like, Destiny.