It occurs to me that I don't have many secrets.. presumably because I'm not a social creature.. but then again I'm the kind of guy that is by nature creepy/disarming/safe generally in that order.
There's another word commonly used to describe that guy that girls are friends with while in relationships with more desirable guys.. but maybe my brain is just blocking it out..
So I downloaded Secret and decided to post things to it after reading a few and being like.. this could be amusing in an I don't have to brain while doing this kind of way.
Is it still being social if I'm making sarcastic comments on Secret? I really expected that on Tinder but that was just noping every picture that popped up. Like I'm not interested in what someone looks like and I'd rather read their blogs, as I do in RL, I prefer to insinuate myself into people's lives before making judgement calls about who they are and what I want from them.
Generally I don't want anything from anyone. There's the very rare situation where I'm just so taken by a woman, who's usually taken, that things get weird. Like I'm not subtle at all if I like someone, but I'm that nerdy gamer dude that isn't within 10 miles of a pulsing libido. I mean even that aside I'm "Rude".. whatever that means or matters. I'm just not willing to deal with stupid people.
Doesn't mean I won't go out of my way to offer a lift, to help you move, to do just about anything I'm asked if it doesn't put me out, and even if it does.. like lending money when I don't have any.. if I like you, it is a done thing.
But while that is all still there.. maybe my attitude is getting more polar as the years go on. Like I actively don't want to be with anyone, but it would be nice to have someone actually want to help me out. I'm just not selfish enough to care. Or something.
Like I know where I need to be and after many false starts and set backs I don't see the point in trying too hard too quickly? Or hiding what I want? Versus allowing someone to disturb what small amount of peace I have. I wanted to test what such a disruption could bring.. and ended up with much more than I could handle.
Lets just say that the cops, who visited many times, repeated very succinctly that I was in over my head. I didn't disagree with them.. but the one before that had said see a professional about your issues. I resented the insinuation but when it came down to a court house and a professional there saying the same thing.. You can't handle someone else with issues if you have some of your own.. no matter how outwardly stable you might be.. ok fine. Yeah maybe. But who doesn't have problems?
It isn't a Secret that people have problems and they keep them inside. I'm happy knowing that some people in this word do have stable lives and relationships, good for them. It is entertainment for me to read about people who are dysfunctional. :)
And helpful for accepting how things are to consider that they could be much worse. Still would be nice to have real people to talk to.. or even just one person.