HSVD SGs and preeps.
Happy Saint Valentine's day to those that celebrate in the arms of lovers and family and those that don't and have to suffer through the day because they could care less.
Recently I was contacted on fB by one of my first loves. Every time that happens though I'm reminded that I haven't changed. Everyone else does. I don't quite understand why that is.
I'd like to say divine providence saw fit for us to cross paths again but having been cyber stalked previously by someone that decided to stop lurking and say hi, and have stuff turn purple too quickly for me to understand what happened, has left me skiddish of putting too much effort into such reunions.
It is also freaky weird how much I don't remember from my school days. Literally there's nothing in there, muddy fragments like a fire ravaged library. People show me pictures and I'm like wot? that's me >squint<.. what the hell was I wearing.. wait THAT WAS YOU?! Jesus.
But the thing is I really really wanted this reunion.. say I've been waiting my whole life apart from this person for us to meet up again. Hardly even recognized her. But I haven't prepared myself for anything more than saying hi on the street and staying with my dull routine. I don't know why but it's what happened to everyone else that makes me go see, wasn't it better to not screw everything up?
Or should I look at it like what was missing.. was I missing? I did leave for a while.. and just never came back. It isn't really fair then to ask me to come back, even if just for coffee, to ask me for more than a hi on the street, and not let me get back to my routine.
It just doesn't seem normal to have walked out on my life back in my childhood and not looked back. To have walked out on my adolescence and not looked back.. to have my adulthood so close to stability and not be able to get back what I had (house and car and garage to park it with a salary-man job).
Even to look back on that.. I was rooming with people in a very nice house.. and that turned shades of purple I've never seen before or since. I could drive my car, but I need to pay a couple hundred more on the insurance and find 1 rim and 1 used tire to match the 3 I have before the spring. And the salary-man job was game testing.. something I'm doing now for barely more than half what I was getting before.
It seems like no matter what I do, no matter who I meet, no matter what job I'm doing.. I'm always a floor below what I want. A room away from where I've been.. and a few words short of a conversation I need to have with people I want to love and have them reciprocate it, that I could find some comfort in.
That's what I used to do and what I miss most, just listening and helping. Without at least that...
Happy Saint Valentine's day, to Trish, Julie, Julia, Stephanie A, Stephanie B, Faye. And Happy Saint Valentine's to the rest that I can't even remember, or don't ever want to see again, or hear from, and are hopefully happy with their loves and families and lives.
Happy Saint Valentine's day to those that celebrate in the arms of lovers and family and those that don't and have to suffer through the day because they could care less.
Recently I was contacted on fB by one of my first loves. Every time that happens though I'm reminded that I haven't changed. Everyone else does. I don't quite understand why that is.
I'd like to say divine providence saw fit for us to cross paths again but having been cyber stalked previously by someone that decided to stop lurking and say hi, and have stuff turn purple too quickly for me to understand what happened, has left me skiddish of putting too much effort into such reunions.
It is also freaky weird how much I don't remember from my school days. Literally there's nothing in there, muddy fragments like a fire ravaged library. People show me pictures and I'm like wot? that's me >squint<.. what the hell was I wearing.. wait THAT WAS YOU?! Jesus.
But the thing is I really really wanted this reunion.. say I've been waiting my whole life apart from this person for us to meet up again. Hardly even recognized her. But I haven't prepared myself for anything more than saying hi on the street and staying with my dull routine. I don't know why but it's what happened to everyone else that makes me go see, wasn't it better to not screw everything up?
Or should I look at it like what was missing.. was I missing? I did leave for a while.. and just never came back. It isn't really fair then to ask me to come back, even if just for coffee, to ask me for more than a hi on the street, and not let me get back to my routine.
It just doesn't seem normal to have walked out on my life back in my childhood and not looked back. To have walked out on my adolescence and not looked back.. to have my adulthood so close to stability and not be able to get back what I had (house and car and garage to park it with a salary-man job).
Even to look back on that.. I was rooming with people in a very nice house.. and that turned shades of purple I've never seen before or since. I could drive my car, but I need to pay a couple hundred more on the insurance and find 1 rim and 1 used tire to match the 3 I have before the spring. And the salary-man job was game testing.. something I'm doing now for barely more than half what I was getting before.
It seems like no matter what I do, no matter who I meet, no matter what job I'm doing.. I'm always a floor below what I want. A room away from where I've been.. and a few words short of a conversation I need to have with people I want to love and have them reciprocate it, that I could find some comfort in.
That's what I used to do and what I miss most, just listening and helping. Without at least that...
Happy Saint Valentine's day, to Trish, Julie, Julia, Stephanie A, Stephanie B, Faye. And Happy Saint Valentine's to the rest that I can't even remember, or don't ever want to see again, or hear from, and are hopefully happy with their loves and families and lives.
lavonne:
You're welcome! 