All things considered, I'm doing incredibly well. Everything is coming to a close and I am feeling much more isolated than I have of late, but somehow, not in a bad way. I am trying to allow my disconnect from other humans to translate into a connectedness with myself and the rest of matter. I have definitely stepped clear over the line of insanity, but it is a calm insanity, a placid insanity that seems to be allowing me to work.
And I have not cried today. I have to remind myself to breathe at times, but not in a way that would suggest that I am trying to suffocate myself.
Also, I am responisble for my rose. And this is a bittersweet realization in a bittersweet time. A friend of mine was worried about me the other day and I sent him an email. He responded saying that I sounded sad but strong and I think that his saying so has made me really try to be that. I am allowed to be sad, and more than that I think I should be. There is a respect that can only be shown by truly allowing oneself to be sad.
The reason I am sad and I got together to be sad for a bit with one another the other day. And I cannot begin to express how much I value that. People talk about closure, but I only hope that the closure they talk of is half as beneficial as this was for me.
Interestingly, all of this stuff going on with me has made me less excited about Renn Fayre, even bordering on not excited at all. I will be glad to be able to relax with friends and see a few that have been out of my view for too long, but I am looking forward to life beyond this. I have no job, and no ties. I have friends who love me and therefore support. But I am not tied. And more than that, I have a car and insurence is paid. And I am going to drive.
I know that there are some that would suggest that I am wrong to respond to my fears by running away, but to them I say this: If I may die sitting, standing, driving, or running, am I not running towards my fears as much as I am away from them?
There are a few things that I need to learn in life. One of them is how to love. We'll see how that works out.
And I have not cried today. I have to remind myself to breathe at times, but not in a way that would suggest that I am trying to suffocate myself.
Also, I am responisble for my rose. And this is a bittersweet realization in a bittersweet time. A friend of mine was worried about me the other day and I sent him an email. He responded saying that I sounded sad but strong and I think that his saying so has made me really try to be that. I am allowed to be sad, and more than that I think I should be. There is a respect that can only be shown by truly allowing oneself to be sad.
The reason I am sad and I got together to be sad for a bit with one another the other day. And I cannot begin to express how much I value that. People talk about closure, but I only hope that the closure they talk of is half as beneficial as this was for me.
Interestingly, all of this stuff going on with me has made me less excited about Renn Fayre, even bordering on not excited at all. I will be glad to be able to relax with friends and see a few that have been out of my view for too long, but I am looking forward to life beyond this. I have no job, and no ties. I have friends who love me and therefore support. But I am not tied. And more than that, I have a car and insurence is paid. And I am going to drive.
I know that there are some that would suggest that I am wrong to respond to my fears by running away, but to them I say this: If I may die sitting, standing, driving, or running, am I not running towards my fears as much as I am away from them?
There are a few things that I need to learn in life. One of them is how to love. We'll see how that works out.
Also: there is a Panda Girl for you. She may not be as exciting as the San Diego Zoo pandas, but she is[/] hotter.
I give you ten hugs.
I hope you are feeling better. I assure you closure and contentment with this situation will come... but likely will not come with the expediency that you wish it would. For that you have my sympathy.. I have been there and it sucks.
Other than that how are things? Good? Doing anything with the beautiful weekend weather?