lylee

im really not happy with my looks right now. i feel very fat and ugly and it sucks

im trying to sort things out, im trying to be strong. but sometimes i need to break down

i just wish i had someone to break down to..but then people wont think im "strong" as they think i am

o well...thus us life...


{edit}
was talking to a friend of mine last night. he told me to not date anyone, no one deserves me. i hate that. i hate how guys always tell me im beautiful and i deserve the best blah blah blah..but they never wanna date me. am i seriously that bad? should i change my look and not be "beautiful" i dont get it im not beautiful, seriously. im just a nice person. i get it. i will bend over backwards for people..

i've been researching cancer a lot to try to understand what Leland is going through. I know he doesnt want to bewith me but he's really touched me in a way that no one else can. He may die in 3 years. but then again i may die today too. i dunno. i have a lot of information and i find cancer interesting. i never realised how it worked and to be honest i hated biology in school but i love learning about this. i want to volunteer and help out. Yesterday i contacted the canadian cancer society and they helped me out a bit. i just..i dunno. i want to help. i've been through a lot. i was beaten up by my ex. He was in the military so he has all that training and well, he liked to use it on me. I remember being scared. he threw me in the bathroom, i landed on the end of the tub. he strangled me and choked me. i still look back at the time and remember him choking me to the ground..i couldnt breath and while he was taking me slowly to the ground he whispered in my ear "im going to put you to sleep forever" and i think reality hit and he could tell iw as blacking out..i thought i was going to die..i was alone. i didnt have anyone. I know what it feels like to be alone and I want to help people. im going to volunteer time. im going to give money. im going to do what I can to try to make people happy. I honestly think thats why I was put on the earth..to help.

So im learning to cope with the fact that im never going to get married, im probably never going to own my own place..its tough, but i need to do it. Im here to help other people...

ok im gunna go now..kinda upset and yeah..im not ok...