lylee

so i think im going to run away from all my problems. gunna pack up and head off. not tell anyone when im going to do it

i feel like complete and utter shit right now. i'm on holiday right now at my parents house in canada. when i first got here my step dad made me feel horrible. called me fat and really made me upset. i was in tears a few times. it hurt. he makes me feel stupid and ugly. like i'm not good enough. his other step daughter is 35 and has 4 kids (different dads) and used to go to him for money all the time. sometimes i feel if i was more like her then i would be accepted. i dont want to live her life though.. i guess i just want to be happy

i've been in canada for a couple weeks now. i've learned some things in life that really hurts me. but im going to have to get over it. im not going to go into great detail about it, but lets just say my life is going to be turned around and things will be so different. i dont want them to, but thats not my decision.

i dont know why i always write things down in journals. i think its because i have no one to turn to. i normally cry in my room and dont tell anyone. but i need somewhere to say how i feel. vent, if you might say.

something just happened now that really upset me. my mom and step dad were in the kitchen. my mom smokes so its full of smoke. my dad just called on the phone and because the cordless phone is dead i had to use the phone with the cord in there. anyways my step dad and mom left the room and i had to open the door because the smoke was so bad. anyways my step dad comes back to get something and rudly tells me to shut the door. i tell him i cant because its full of smoke. then he starts swearing at me and walks away. at this point i'm on the phone with my dad, but because of something my step dad said to me earlier about being fat (again) i just started crying. had to tell my dad i'll call him back and hung up the phone. now im sitting here alone in front of the computer, still crying. i feel useless. its horrible and i hate it.

mom just came in the room.. asked me whats wrong. i said nothing and asked her to leave me alone. i was nice about it but i said i dont wanna talk because shes just going to stick up for him.. as she always done. she once told me that "because he's my husband" she sticks up for him. anyways she just kept pushing it and pushing it. i finally told her why i'm upset. and of corse she started sticking up for him.

i cant wait to leave. i want to leave here now... i feel like shit and i hate it.

i dont think i'm going to talk to them again once i leave this house