lyingstones

so, i'm sitting here trying to come up with answers to questions that aren't even fully formed in my head. and i don't know where this is going at all...

in the process of setting up my studio space in my new house, i realized that the years i spent painting were some of the most depressing years of my life. i don't remember actually enjoying the process of painting... did i do it just to excorcise my personal demons? are those demons still around? did i paint because i felt a need to create something? and if that's the case, are my other creative endeavors good enough in lieu of painting? did i paint to hide from the depression, to shut myself off from the world? i used to zone out and paint for 8-10 hours a day sometimes. was it a defense mechanism, an outlet. or did i just have nothing better to do?

do i want to start painting again? it's been over two years since i painted last, and i really don't feel the urge to pick up the brushes again. should you do something just because you're good at it? and i was good, i know that much... it always came naturally. but what's the point of painting anything if it's just going to end up in the closet with the rest of them and i'm not getting anything out of the experience of creation. my art doesn't sell, plain and simple. out of all the gallery shows i've had, not one has resulted in a sale. i have sold a handful of pieces, but to friends and acquaintances. most of my paintings i've given away. i used to have pictures trapped in my head, that i could only get out by putting them on my walls. are there more buried in there somewhere?

i've become very apathetic in the last couple years. no passion for anything. my interests have shifted, but i don't feel passionate about anything. will i wake from this if i start creating something again? do i want to? with the apathy comes the numbness. i haven't been really depressed without cause for awhile. art is definitely a mental stimulant, but with stimulation comes the descent afterwards. being bipolar sucks balls. i've learned to control the moodswings, but at what cost? this haze i'm living in is starting to suffocate me, my brain is shutting down and succumbing to atrophy. and no, i'm not medicated, thanks, but no thanks. i'm doing fine being a zombie on my own.

i need something to change. and i don't mean just the mundane day to day life crap, new job, new relationships, new house... that's all crap. i need a new outlook, a new perspective. i need to wake the fuck up and start living my life. there's only so much time allotted to get shit done in this life. and who'll remember me when i'm gone?

well, if you've read this far, thanks, and i'm sorry. if you've got this much time on your hands, you must not be any better off than i am. i'll stop this self pitying rant now.

i'm off to finish setting up. i think i'll pick up the brushes again and see where it goes. it may be a step to getting my life started again. if not, if i don't enjoy working again, then it's all going out the window...