lyfeforce

On advice from a good friend, I'm going to ignore my last post and bitch away.

I'm severely depressed. I go through the day anxious and nervous about the next thing thats going to go wrong. I obsessively worry about the most pointless things and the things that I cannot control. I wake up in the morning usually 1.5 hours before my alarm. There are nights I come home and cry my heart out. There are nights I dont make it home before I cry. I sometimes cry when just talking to my parents about it with no reasonable provocation. I feel like things are hopeless. That I am weak, alone, and failing everything and everyone that I care about. There are days I think about hurting myself.

It's probably always been there, the depression. It's only come out horribly so recently because my new job has kicked it into overdrive. I want to quit tomorrow and do TV again and just get a day job even if its a horrible cut in pay and no benefits. I don't know if thats because I'm comfortable in a TV studio or if it's because I want to run away and hide.

Part of it's my job, but the problem resides fully in me. I need help. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I dont want to die, by my hand or by any other means. I don't even want to do something as usually simple as smile. I just want to wake up and not feel my heart racing with dread and come home and be able to relax. I need help.