luz

you ever do this?

you ever have an ex who's your friend now, really your friend. you are happy with another and so is your ex. it's all good. seriously. you both now know that the two of you: impossible! and anyways, that's definitely not what you want.

so you're on the internet, on a webpage common to both you and your ex. you always check his page, even though he never blogs anymore. from his page, you always link to his new girl's page. she is way, way less attractive than you. of course, somehow, this is vindicating.

does she read your page like this?

she better!

so looking on her page, you see all these comments from your ex to her. they are full of "i love you so much" and nick-named references to private jokes and sexual positions; they are months apart--not in one passionate burst, but in a hitting rythym landing occasionally but always sounding just as hard as the first beat.

and you recognize all this.

you were just talking about him today.

you were just saying that, despite the leg-dragging crying begging of the end of you two, you could sometimes see why it was that you loved him. once. but you would not love him again.

this is true. seriously.

you recognize all this, his words and his feeling and how they used to be yours like a song the two of you wrote and you know it's all the same, for just all of us, just all of us--the houses change, the calender pages fall, but we keep looking for those words and we say them over and over but in different tones to different faces and he does to her what he did to you, but better, and you to do him what you did to the ex but better, but better, but better, right

-breath-

right?

and it's just when you think it's all good. seriously.

it's something about this repetition that makes me feel my mortality.

and all of a sudden, for about two minutes, you give a shit.

this ever happen to you?