luxdivon

i'm tired. but i dont want to sleep. i miss my camera. but i'm too fucking lazy to call the cops to get it back. i know what's important now, but all the lines are fuzzy about love and being true to myself and how sometimes that doesnt always mean i'm true to everyone around me. its more indifference than dishonesty. that and general survivability. when it comes down to it, it'll win out. i've gotten more sex, and so i'm at least satiated, but sex makes me emotional, and vulnerable, and really i just want more anyway. i find it humorous when guys see my sexuality, and then they're put off when i wont just lie down on the bed for them. or when rich bitches think i should wait on their hand and foot since they have money. but then i want to eat too, so maybe they had the right idea. nights like tonight i feel defeated before i've even begun, but really it only goes so deep now. defeat is more of a longing, a longing that the long road ahead might not be so long. even thou i know it is. sure i break down. i want to break down right now. but then again i dont. then again i want to say fuck you in the face and say, you break, you're gonna have to pick me up and drop me if you want me to break. get me dirty. i dont care, i'll come clean. i guess i have some pent up anger and hostility behind that. somethin like that. it was interesting i hung out with the guitar player i found, and met his band, they're metalheads. it is it's own crazy subculture. It's my birthday next wednesday, i can't wait. my god how is it three nights in a row i'm up till almost 3am. i'm too old for this shit. you have potential. you have potential. you have potential. you have potential. hearing this so many times, drives you crazy. how the hell am i gonna keep my wits about me when push comes to shove, and i can say "bring it"