luxdivon

I am the daughter of a mother who lost her first child at a very young age. I was not born yet. The death was tragic. My older sister was in the car with my parents and my other sister was with them. During that time, there were no mandatory car seats, and vanessa (my sister that died) was 2. She opened the car door, fell out, and was ran over, and killed. My mother held her in her arms until she died. My parents, then had me, and then my little sister. We had not talked about her death until this past year. and even then, we didnt talk much. They would assert that 'vanessa died' but it was always in passing, and never can i remember any sort of grief involved when discussing her. I had not been born yet, so its a very displacing feeling to feel grief for the existence of someone you never knew. I guess what I know nothing about, is what my mother was going through, and how that affected how she was with me as a infant/child. I understand that my mother deserves the most sympathy for her loss, and i give her that. but i also know that i must have affected me in more ways than I could have any idea of. I am emotionally not very stable, and am always going through depressive thoughts, impulsive actions, that have put me in a life that is chaotic, and i use avoidance to the point where i absolutely HAVE to do soemthing about the situation before i attempt to make ammends. I can only hope that having some concept of my mother-child relationship in the childhood years of my life will give me some insight upon my apparent situation. any thoughts?