on libido
if only.
if only a few days would fill my apetite.
i'd rest if only those thousand lovely words could hold me tighter.
i write, and i write, and sing and sing, and dance and dance, and love and love,
and fight and fight, and learn and relearn,
day and night, faster sometimes seeming than the mind can decide
but i stopped deciding. following the flow of mysterious rivers might so quickly be the best scenario for my soul to find its mold, and reverse this over-versed trial run, full of drag-me-down there's no sun just darkness, but a flicker in the distance of a gasp of fresh air, a sprinkle in the mirage of a waterfall, an inkling in the midst of bittersweet romance, a dance of energetic life intolerablly contained, irreversably insane and poetically full of lucious libido: lovely; contained.
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sometimes i think everything's alright. or i think rather its a three day cycle of thinking everything's ok, and i have the glow of the above poem. and then three days later it seems like i'm in a murky hell with an apathy or depression or cynicism that i can just sleep. i was attempting a mood journal to try to keep up. god now let's see, i guess october 27th was the last. now november 13th. was it halloween? is that why i got distracted? i dont know, but now i'm on the down down down and i was just on the up up up and i'm once again at a loss as to how its all happening. i think sometimes having a better moment makes those other moments that you thought were fun, just blank and hollow and indifferent. or maybe my mother's critic is still haunting me. or maybe it is purely biological and i really do need some drugs. not that i could trust them enough to think anything they're saying is worth listening too. yea one of those expereiences a group therapy session at UT yielded on the first day of group, the therapist telling me to get on some anti-depressasnts. quite the best way to get me to trust you eh? i open my heart, you throw drugs at me. then again maybe i'm just tired today, and my body is recovering, and i want that energy again, that was keeping me up until 5 am, but now its gone, and i'm drained, and feel scattered because my apartment's a mess again. really messy . its like i have to spend my only day off cleaning my very small apartment to keep my sanity. and i hate that mostly because if i could just keep it clean than maybe i could work on finishing my songs that still have so much work to be done, or make the dresses that i have in my head, or the books i want to read to access the better parts of my heart. sometimes i so wish i was one of those people that only had to sleep 3 or 4 hours a night. i might have enough time then. or maybe if i wasnt such an emotional basketcase then i would have enough time becuase the deppressive days wouldnt be taking up so much of my sparse free time. ok i better stop. but yea. this is the shit in my head right now. i have new photos. but i have to resize them all. that is going to take so long that i dont even want to post them. anyway. i'm going to go get some milk. so i can make some coffee. and *attempt* to dig myself out of this state of mind.
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ok i feel better. i guess i just needed some coffee.
xip