I was thinking about the phrase "When I grow up". It's a phrase you use a whole lot when you are young, and less so the older you get. I guess most people start to feel like they have grown up and are now what they are, they have no more growing up to do, that part of their lives is finished and over.
I still sometimes use that phrase. I still feel like I haven't grown up. Oh I'm much more mature then I used to be, I have regrets and memories of the past that shape my decisions today and so I try and make the best decisions... But I don't actually feel like I've grown up. Maybe I just don't want to grow up, I've already accepted my own mortality, but maybe this is just someway for my mind to rebel against the thought of my own inevitable demise. "If I never admit to growing up then I 'll never grow old and die!" This is of course certifiable bullshit. I'm already 26, my hair is thinning and there are more aches and pains coming around then there where just 5 years ago.
Maybe it's habit that keeps this phrase alive to me, I use it to express a desired out come in the future. "When I grow up I'll travel the world", " When I grow up I'll be a Chemist", "When I grow up I'll find a girl who can love me as much as I love her." I'm just not sure if that answer feels right, if that is the entire crux of the matter.
I'm scared of losing the simple joys of childhood. Of no longer wanting to go out in the rain because it's cold and wet, instead of running out and playing in it. I'm scared I won't watch cartoons anymore , or that I won't want to eat candy because I'm to concerned with my health. But even all these fears that COULD result in the use of a childish phrase that clings to my own past childhood doesn't feel like it accounts for everything I mean when I still use that phrase.
Maybe it's a combination of all of them, an internal struggle against my own mortality, a habitual expression of longing for the future, and a fearful grip on my own childhood that I'm trying not to let slip away.
Maybe when I grow up I'll finally understand.
I still sometimes use that phrase. I still feel like I haven't grown up. Oh I'm much more mature then I used to be, I have regrets and memories of the past that shape my decisions today and so I try and make the best decisions... But I don't actually feel like I've grown up. Maybe I just don't want to grow up, I've already accepted my own mortality, but maybe this is just someway for my mind to rebel against the thought of my own inevitable demise. "If I never admit to growing up then I 'll never grow old and die!" This is of course certifiable bullshit. I'm already 26, my hair is thinning and there are more aches and pains coming around then there where just 5 years ago.
Maybe it's habit that keeps this phrase alive to me, I use it to express a desired out come in the future. "When I grow up I'll travel the world", " When I grow up I'll be a Chemist", "When I grow up I'll find a girl who can love me as much as I love her." I'm just not sure if that answer feels right, if that is the entire crux of the matter.
I'm scared of losing the simple joys of childhood. Of no longer wanting to go out in the rain because it's cold and wet, instead of running out and playing in it. I'm scared I won't watch cartoons anymore , or that I won't want to eat candy because I'm to concerned with my health. But even all these fears that COULD result in the use of a childish phrase that clings to my own past childhood doesn't feel like it accounts for everything I mean when I still use that phrase.
Maybe it's a combination of all of them, an internal struggle against my own mortality, a habitual expression of longing for the future, and a fearful grip on my own childhood that I'm trying not to let slip away.
Maybe when I grow up I'll finally understand.
otoki:
Thank you so much! I'm glad it's finally up.