I think I've reached my critical mass point or something.
My mother woke me up this morning (my first "no school, I get to sleep in!" day) by throwing the paper against the wall. It's a stupid story, but someone keeps delivering us a paper every morning. But they have notes attached that say "Merry Christmas" from the carrier, so I just think he has extra and thinks we might appreciate them. But no, it drives my mother batty, so every frickin' morning she has to have a temper tantrum over this. I have to call them again, but she lost the bill which has the phone number on it.
I don't care. I don't care if we get an extra paper. I don't care. On my priority list, I gotta say it's LOW! I mean, I tried to tell her that in my mind, it could be worse. Someone could be stealing our paper. I mean "oh my god, someone keeps doing this nice gesture? Well let's just stand out there until 4:30 when he delivers the paper, and have him tarred and feathered!
I mean, I've had a universally crap week, and pretty much none of it is because of this household. But man, it is NOT helping right now.
So I wake up nice and early, a little off to begin with. And then I guess I just snapped. In the shower. Which means I have to get from the bathroom to my room without my mother seeing that I was crying, because of course if she sees that, she feels guilty (even though she's only half the problem) and then I have to comfort HER and goddamn it, it's 10 in the morning, I don't WANT to comfort her! I'm the one who needs some help here! I want to yell at her that staying in this house is slowly killing me and that I can't stand being around her. But it's such an awful thing to say or even think, and I wish I could say I don't mean it. But right now, I do.
I want to live alone. Before, I lived with a boyfriend, and when I used to get upset (which was usually relationship stuff) I had to cry in the shower because I had no privacy. Now I live with my mother, and when I get upset (which now is usually mum stuff or boy stuff- neither of which I want to talk about) I have to cry in the shower because I have NO goddamn privacy. If I could move out then maybe I'd be eliminating most of the stuff that makes me cry. But if I don't, at least I have some privacy.
I have great friends, and everyone is willing to help me out. But there's nothing that anyone can do. All the stuff in my life that sucks is stuff that I have to do myself, or stuff that I have to deal with myself. And some of it's really hopeless stuff.
I think I just keep getting disappointed all the time because I expect too much from people. I mean, it sounds weird, but I think that's actually my problem. People are human. Sometimes they have temper tantrums, and sometimes their heads fall off, and I think I just need to get on with my life, quit my bitching and remember to just rely on myself.
After all, not everyone can be as well adjusted as me.
Ha ha.
(self-indulgent whiny upper-middle class white-girl entry is now over)
XOX-L
(mu.)
My mother woke me up this morning (my first "no school, I get to sleep in!" day) by throwing the paper against the wall. It's a stupid story, but someone keeps delivering us a paper every morning. But they have notes attached that say "Merry Christmas" from the carrier, so I just think he has extra and thinks we might appreciate them. But no, it drives my mother batty, so every frickin' morning she has to have a temper tantrum over this. I have to call them again, but she lost the bill which has the phone number on it.
I don't care. I don't care if we get an extra paper. I don't care. On my priority list, I gotta say it's LOW! I mean, I tried to tell her that in my mind, it could be worse. Someone could be stealing our paper. I mean "oh my god, someone keeps doing this nice gesture? Well let's just stand out there until 4:30 when he delivers the paper, and have him tarred and feathered!
I mean, I've had a universally crap week, and pretty much none of it is because of this household. But man, it is NOT helping right now.
So I wake up nice and early, a little off to begin with. And then I guess I just snapped. In the shower. Which means I have to get from the bathroom to my room without my mother seeing that I was crying, because of course if she sees that, she feels guilty (even though she's only half the problem) and then I have to comfort HER and goddamn it, it's 10 in the morning, I don't WANT to comfort her! I'm the one who needs some help here! I want to yell at her that staying in this house is slowly killing me and that I can't stand being around her. But it's such an awful thing to say or even think, and I wish I could say I don't mean it. But right now, I do.
I want to live alone. Before, I lived with a boyfriend, and when I used to get upset (which was usually relationship stuff) I had to cry in the shower because I had no privacy. Now I live with my mother, and when I get upset (which now is usually mum stuff or boy stuff- neither of which I want to talk about) I have to cry in the shower because I have NO goddamn privacy. If I could move out then maybe I'd be eliminating most of the stuff that makes me cry. But if I don't, at least I have some privacy.
I have great friends, and everyone is willing to help me out. But there's nothing that anyone can do. All the stuff in my life that sucks is stuff that I have to do myself, or stuff that I have to deal with myself. And some of it's really hopeless stuff.
I think I just keep getting disappointed all the time because I expect too much from people. I mean, it sounds weird, but I think that's actually my problem. People are human. Sometimes they have temper tantrums, and sometimes their heads fall off, and I think I just need to get on with my life, quit my bitching and remember to just rely on myself.
After all, not everyone can be as well adjusted as me.
Ha ha.
(self-indulgent whiny upper-middle class white-girl entry is now over)
XOX-L
(mu.)