luffy

Man... I really didn't mean to do this before doing my birthday update, but This has been on my mind the whole fucking day...
I've also been listening to this song all night! It's just intensifying my perplexity!

I have never felt such a pull before in my life. When I talk about pull, I mean me being drawn to something, drawn to someone. I feel so drawn to him, and yet, I, right now feel so frustrated and so lonely, because, well one, we still haven't met just yet, and two I haven't really been able to talk to him for two months now.
Still...
Never before have i felt so determined to see something remotely like this through,
Never before have I felt so proud saying " I'm off limits" to others who approach me.
Never before have I put so much faith in something that is so intangible.
I do whole heartedly believe in us, and in my ability to commit to something. Not the commitment like a job, or any other relationship(s) where the reward is that of a physical effect of 'sticking with' something. Instead I feel like if I can do this, it will help me immensely in a spiritual sense. I'm looking for personal growth, and I think that is one thing that drew me towards him. Not just spiritual growth for myself, but for him as well, because I don't believe that this would affect one of us and not the other... If that happens to be so, then maybe I would have to reevaluate what I was getting myself into.
Just this past January, I finally realized why I was always shooting my chances at a potential relationship, and I have come to understand that I let my early relationship with my parents effect me negatively in a subconscious level. I would try to solidify a relationship early on, so that they guy wouldn't 'run away'. Turns out, I just induced a self fulfilling prophecy that had my attitude project those messages in a way that scared them off anyways.So I decided that I would work on changing that, and this looks like the perfect way to hone in on those skills. Only problem now is ... me frustrated with this sharp distance x_X
This morning, after going to one of my favorite bars last night, I was sitting and talking to a guy, just having a nice conversation... but then he said that he would have wanted something to come of us meeting, and that is when I said that I couldn't let that happen. There was someone else I was already 'with'. Funny enough, he asked " what... did you meet him online?" the only thing I could do was chuckle shyly, and say "yeaaaaa" The very thought of that ...well it kind of hurt me, because some could call situations like this a complete joke, pathetic, or simply put, impossible! I felt like my very being was being challenged, and I didn't know what to do, but later today, when I was able to get over my hangover, and really sit down and think about what was bothering me, why it was bothering me, and how I could fix it, I realized that I need to embrace my crazy decision to go with this in the first place. It helps me in more ways than one! Let's face it... I really and truly don't want to date around... its annoying, and a waste of time for me. At the same time, however... I am started to once again get irritated when I see a whole bunch of couples around me in certain settings. Whereas before I disregarded them, kept my distance, and just went on with my day. I appreciate that there are guys out there who would like to get to know me, or yadda yadda... but, to put it bluntly I am a free spirit, who lives to confuse people. The last thing I want is for someone who I don't fully see fit getting to know my ins and outs, ticks, and buttons... That is when I draw forth the shield. Call me a bitch if you must, but I can become pretty distant and detached whenever I feel the need to. I have been getting to know this particular guy since I first joined this site, last June. And where I would usually eventually get bored, I didn't!
I don't know... I guess I just want the impossible to become possible in my hands. I know this will be kind of tricky, but I'm glad I made the choice I did, even though it can sound extremely silly! Next month at some point, I will see what happens I know all of this will be worth the wait and irritation. It's no body's fault, just have to make the best of what's there. And Hey, it could have been worse. He was suppose to ship out next month, which would have meant that we would have met in August or September.

Okay... now that that is out of the way

I have a couple of pictures I would like to show you of my journey through Harbourfront. I can't get enough of that place!








What is that thing? O_o







Okay... now I can finally sleep... now that all that is off my chest
Later!