lucygrey

No freakin way. Craigslist is hysterical!

You dont have to be alone, Baby:

I'll tell all you broads right now. If you're looking for that sappy-wuss-covered- weepy-in-touch-with-his-freakin-feminine-side-and-crying-while-watching-jacked-up-episodes-of-The View-wimpy-Clint Eastwood-types, you can keep looking. Cuz that ain't me.

I'm the kind of guy who eats his oatmeal in the rain It's refreshing, AND it keeps me regular.

I already know what youre thinking:

Oooo, Hes sounds so charming; Ill bet he loves to go to Cheese Tastings.

Lemme just ask you this: Have you ever sampled a slightly aged Trempherbe?

Its a little curious in flavor, yet it maintains its pretentious character. The unique texture and flavor not all that dissimilar to Styrofoam. In fact, with the right aged merlot, I believe this nutty little ingnue would create a slight sensation of a little projectile vomiting.

Are you Kiddin me? Im thoroughly convinced that cheese is capable of passing its own gas.

Ill throw myself down flight of stairs before Im asked to eat that stuff again.

Gimme a good Pepper Jack anytime. It stands up to a cracker good, and I never get the after-effects craving to bludgeon myself via steps and risers.

You are intrigued, N'tes-vous pas?

Well, Ill delay this no longer.

I'm happiest when I go for long walks in the rain during sunset along the shore while we hold hands as we stare lovingly in to each others eyes while we knit matching tea cozies and cuddle with each other, and, and, uh,.. cry, wtf?!...

I cant do this.

I am way too beautiful to lower myself to such shallowness.

In fact, I'm so beautiful I shouldnt really need to continue writing this ad. Im only doing it because I realize some of you broads need to feel some sense of the romanticals.

Trust me. Im beautiful, pretty, and sexy. So much so they aint even got a word to describe me yet.

Im beauprettexy baby

Beauprettexy.

You deserve more. Indulge yourself baby. Im that piece of man-candy you know you want to lick.

Let me add that extra bit of ummph to your freaky side.

Think of me as that maraschino cherry sitting atop your meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

You can even put some butter on those potatoes baby.

Land O Lakes...

Im naked, slathered in gravy, and waiting for you to sop me up with your biscuit.

Do you like to role-play?

We can play Big-Bad Wolf and the Catholic School Girl?'

You can wear my Wolf Mask.

How about, The Escaped Convict and the Wardens Catholic School Girl?

Believe me. Ill know what to do with your extradition papers baby.

Me: Black, 6'3" 220 pounds of fiercely sculpted man pudding. I have exceptionally strong feet, and I love to slap them on hardwood floors on a cool night.

if you know what I mean

...Girl, you know I'm about the Riverdance too.

I'm aggressively pretty. Picture Bryant Gumbel, but only as a Black man,

Yup, kinda like that.

You: Petite, 165 lbs, 46 or taller with a nice set of yam yams. I cant expect you could be as pretty and beautiful as me. I can work with whatever you got baby. Trust me.

You'll only need to love me and bask in my beauprettexifulness. Our sweet, sweet doggy-style Embrace of Love will take care of everything else.

I wouldnt mind it if you happened to have a big ass.

I'm pretty, sexy, and I can love you for up to two minutes straight without stopping. I only require half of a sandwich (oven-roasted turkey, lettuce and tomato, a little mayo and honey mustard, crusts trimmed neatly, thank you), some orange juice, and a 45-minute nap.

Then, Im ready to hit it again.

I hope you like being freaked from behind baby.

Oh, and should you also happen to be hiring, thatd be a definite plus.

You dont ever need to be lonely again girl. I am the man for you. If you like Tang and Chuck Mangione records, then we were meant for each other. Send me a picture of your fine-ness. Ill get back to you in four to six business days baby.

I promise.

Give me the chance to look in to those big, beautiful eyes of yours so I may see two smaller reflections of myself in them

God, Im beautiful.

That's me. Just behind the dog.

*insert picture of dog*


haha