well last night was prolly the start of the end i'm having a hard time trying to understand why she thinks that she can boss me around ..... well it ain't happening she isn't gonna take advantage of this situation and manipulate it to her bennefit cause i ain't falling for it, does she think that i don't love her? well she's wrong cause i do, but i'm not gonna lie down and let her bitch and whine and complain and push me around !! fuck that ! i mean maybe i'm not seeing the whole picture hear but ihave a very good idea of how it's painted..... i've gotr enough of my own problems on top of the new one s that i've created, and well yes i lied about some shit and didn't mean to hurt her at all but a person has to do what they have to do sometimes and if you get lied to from it well it looks like you deal with it or you move on!!! that's the bottom line ..... i mean i don't wanna sound like hey bitch fuck you! cause thats not how it is!!! but jebus, i'm human, i fuck up... i can only take so much, till i just shut down mysorries and my feelings and crank up the devil in me (which i don't even like) and just start saying "fuck you" , i don't care , and shit that i really don't mean!! and that hurts to have someone tell you shit like that but it happens and in my case it happens and i can't stop it !! I just explode... it's like when i say i don't wanna talk about it ? and they just keep going on & on & on, i SNAP! ! and fuck when i snap it's the fucking devil for sure.... i'm sure i'll get a ration of shit for writing this but everyone is right that i should be writing exactly how i feel and if they can't deal with it then they're bummed!!! shouldn't be reading other people's journals !! i don't read hers, well not anymore that is! i saw something i didn't like and said to myself that if i'm reading her feelings then i should respect them for what they are and why they are feeling the way they are!! so i kept my mouth shut and work from there in my head she is rewally making me hate myself right now and you know what, i do right now.. but i'll get over it thats for sure this journal should say DON"T READ IF YOU'RE GONNA GET PISSED!
everything is you're in a mood right now or don't snap at me , well i will when my tooth stops hurting or i die and it don't look like they're happening anytime soon!! soi don't know what to tell ya (except for the same thing you're telling me) i really hope to work this out but from my minds eye, it looks like Disaster is inevitable !!!!!! i gotta go to some job interview!
....................... ~penn~ ................
ok well i just got home from this loser job interview that i didn't even stay for (that's how rinky-dink it was) my girlfriend's car almost gets hit at noon then get's hit at 3 o'clock how many thing can possibly go wrong in one day?? so at lunch she has $45 two 20's and a 5 she gives me a 20, i go in the liquor store and buy smokes and put the change in my pocket ..... we get to her mom's house and she's putting on her makeup and i'm fucking with the computer that is pissing me off for weeks now (still can't fix it) so when we leave there and go to the gas station she has two 5's and a one dollar bill????? now how did that happen? there should have been a 20 & one 5?>? what the fuck? something is fucking wrong here and i can't explain it ? why does this shit always happen to us ?