Alright, enough of this sadbrains bullshit. I need to start peeling back the layers separating me from the world.
Here are some of my problems:
1) I have a very thick mental filter that prevents me from talking very much. Specifically, it prevents me from talking to strangers. I need to find some middle ground between where I'm at and where my dad is at. He has virtually no filter, and talks to damn near everyone he can. It's almost painful to watch sometimes, because he says some of the most inane things. Sometimes I watch him and it's viscerally obvious that he's just itching to say something. I suspect that my filter has developed precisely because I've watched him make what I viewed as an ass of himself. But the truth is that he has a very wide social web.
2) I need to strip back the emotional walls I have. I've been burnt so many times that eventually (specifically, after Heidi picked her ex-husband over me) I just shut down parts of my emotions. I need to stop being so afraid to be vulnerable. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes to me that I'm really into my ex's roommate, Sheena. I doubt anything will happen there, but just admitting to myself that I want it is important, I think.
3) I objectify people too much. I need to get off my high horse and start treating people like, well, people.
4) I'm closed off. I need to open up more, embarrassing though it may be. I feel like I'm a mystery to almost everyone I know, and that can't be a good thing. Someone should know all of my deepest and darkest fears and secrets. All of my hopes and dreams.
5) I take my family for granted. I really need to talk to them more. Sometimes I think about what would happen if my dad died. And I get so sad thinking about it (honestly, I'm almost crying just typing this) because I feel like I've never really told him just how important he's been to me and how much I appreciate everything that he's done for me. One of the hardest experiences I've ever had was when my dad was telling me that he and my mom were getting divorced and he started questioning whether or not he had been a good father. It was devastatingly heartbreaking, because I sincerely doubt any father could do much better than what mine did. I doubt my brother Karl knows how important and influential he's been to me, either. I doubt I would be half the man I am today if it weren't for his advice and support.
Here are some of my problems:
1) I have a very thick mental filter that prevents me from talking very much. Specifically, it prevents me from talking to strangers. I need to find some middle ground between where I'm at and where my dad is at. He has virtually no filter, and talks to damn near everyone he can. It's almost painful to watch sometimes, because he says some of the most inane things. Sometimes I watch him and it's viscerally obvious that he's just itching to say something. I suspect that my filter has developed precisely because I've watched him make what I viewed as an ass of himself. But the truth is that he has a very wide social web.
2) I need to strip back the emotional walls I have. I've been burnt so many times that eventually (specifically, after Heidi picked her ex-husband over me) I just shut down parts of my emotions. I need to stop being so afraid to be vulnerable. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes to me that I'm really into my ex's roommate, Sheena. I doubt anything will happen there, but just admitting to myself that I want it is important, I think.
3) I objectify people too much. I need to get off my high horse and start treating people like, well, people.
4) I'm closed off. I need to open up more, embarrassing though it may be. I feel like I'm a mystery to almost everyone I know, and that can't be a good thing. Someone should know all of my deepest and darkest fears and secrets. All of my hopes and dreams.
5) I take my family for granted. I really need to talk to them more. Sometimes I think about what would happen if my dad died. And I get so sad thinking about it (honestly, I'm almost crying just typing this) because I feel like I've never really told him just how important he's been to me and how much I appreciate everything that he's done for me. One of the hardest experiences I've ever had was when my dad was telling me that he and my mom were getting divorced and he started questioning whether or not he had been a good father. It was devastatingly heartbreaking, because I sincerely doubt any father could do much better than what mine did. I doubt my brother Karl knows how important and influential he's been to me, either. I doubt I would be half the man I am today if it weren't for his advice and support.
alyeska:
I agree with number 4. Ever since I've known you, and I will admit that I was scared to open up and create more chances to learn, you've been a huge mystery. Sometimes I thought you were trying to avoid telling me about yourself because I wasn't as interesting as you or you didn't want to share who you are with me. So I decided not to ask.