love_darrow

First of all, had the day from hell. But I don't want to be a whiner. So let's just say that I trust people way too easily, and a friend of mine really fucked that up.

Oh well. I've learned from a young age to cut people out of my life who don't show me the same respect and compassion that I bestow upon them; it's not so difficult.

I'm just at this point where absolutely everything hangs in the balance for me - all at my own volition. I'm not complaining whatsoever. It's merely stressful. My job, my home, my relationships are all dangling precariously above a whirlwind of change.

All I know, is that this fucking song

has been keeping me sane.

It makes me realize that once, just fucking once I want to hold all the cards in my life. I'm at an age (and have been for some years now) that my parents aren't such a focal point in my life; their opinions and persuasions no longer influence me. Yet I'm throwing myself into relationships where I lose my sense of self. Rather than live to grow into the next form of me, to shed my skin and develop but remain myself completely underneath, I falter under the weight of being one half of a couple and I struggle with myself.

Like I said, I want all the cards.


I want to live for me. Fuckitall. Me or nothing. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's earned, maybe it'll get me fucked in the end but all I know is that if I can't strive on my own, I am nothing.

I have yet to find that one person who can live their own life and discover their own dreams and desires while refraining from demanding too much from me in the scape of losing myself. This aspect of being a couple seems nearly impossible for most; to live your own life to the correct extent, without being overly selfish, but still maintaining your sense of self.

I've become so unbearably numb to my current situation that I find myself unable to write because I feel nothing. Every time I truly need to feel, to let emotions run me and flow into words, I must force myself to peel off the scab I've developed over time. It's a painful process, and suddenly everything that felt like nothing exists again, in the form of an oozing wound impossible to ignore.

This is something to be excited about. New experiences, new depth, self-discovery. After all the heartbreak it will be well worth it. It's not life or death; there's nothing to fear.

It's like taking a step off the edge of the cliff. You know the one; where you're always standing a little too close to the edge for any semblance of comfort, and you have that thought, that one uncontrollable, renegade thought - what if I took that step?



And just so you're not all disappointed with this post, happy drunk face.


So...