lostidentity

some people are struggling to find their way in life or are trying to find some meaning in it. Some are trying to differentiate themselves from others. This has gotten to old for me. I figured out myself a while ago and that one of the greatest things one can make themself go through is change. Change gives you the opportunity to experience and experience lets you live and realize that there is so much more to experience. While I have sheltered myself from the outter world and continue to do so, it feels like I'm still developing a plan on how to live the next ten years. But yet, I don't know if I will be around to live them. Funny how that thought never occurs frequently enough.

The skaters, punks, goths, the pierced, the tattooed (sorry for spelling errors), the political, freaks, basically all groups and cliches who label themselves as anti-mainstream and who believe that they are rejects of modern society, never wanted me to be a part of them. I just look/talk/act too norlmal or boringish. I'm a reject of the rejects HA!! The only difference between 27 and 17 is that now you realize that no matter what group you were a part of, everyone still has the same struggles and challanges to deal with. You have various approaches to that, but the concept is still the same.

Some times I wonder why I have to strive to be different. Whats wrong with being the same? I live my life by creating things to look forward to. Goals if you will. Next week, there is hockey and I'm so excited for that. In a couple of months, my mom and stepdad will be coming. But what happens when there isn't anything to look forward to? Its a feeling of unchallenge and its very ugly inside.

The path of regret is a very easy one to follow. I regret not developing socially during my college years. I lived as I do now. I didn't drink that much, didn't have any friends, no girlfriends, just a lot of time. The only things I developed were a chronic masturbating habit, lots of movie watching skills, and a daydreaming problem. I just stopped developing and fell off the map. The past seven years feel all the same to me. There isn't any difference in them.

So here I am, complaining, whining, still watching movies, and still masturbating although I must say, I've kept the daydreaming to a minimum. I'm not happy with myself because I know what I'm capable of. It would be nice to change rather than planning out a change, but I've just added anohter problem to the list which is lack of the ability to focus.