lostidentity

I seriously want to keep this journal to myself. I've said somethings that have been only meant for my eyes and it just feels guilty having other people comment with advice cause I feel like a piece of shit when I talk about my low moments and it feels like I"m on a sympathy hunt or something. The great thing is that my friends list with the exception of one person, due to infrequent activity, contains people I would actually want to associate myself with in real life. In case anyone didn't notice, I deleted about half my list one day due to a communication/love issue and the rest just never posting in my journal.

Then I finally realize why I like staying indoors so much. Lets be honest here: I am a very creepy goony looking type guy. I don't attract people. Therefore, those who actually make the effort to get to know me, are rewarded. Those who don't, I don't want to bother with anyway, and the great thing is that there is no bitterness in that statement. However, in the love area, I've been finding short sticks everywhere, and its due to my creepiness/goon looks. Anyway, the reason I stay indoors is to avoid being hurt. Chicks who are considered hot by most, really piss me off, even though they may be great people. I adore those who aren't given that much attention. Why? Well, I'm trying to figure that out as we type. I do know however that when these chicks see that I have an interest in them, they immediately go into the 'oh, well, he's desperate' type mode. I am not even given a chance. Therefore, I have cancelled my personals subscription once again. The reason I gave them: I'm not interested in dating. The real reason? I'm not ready yet. I haven't updated this thing in almost four days now because I"m way too moody to do so. I get to typing two sentances, then I lose interest. Anyway, I was/am considering cancelling my membership here, but I still want it because eventually I will crawl out of this funk and be in a picture posting mood and actually have some fun on here. This mood I've been in is so strange. Constant moodswings, depression, yet I don't feel like putting a gun to my head. I've always felt like putting a gun to my head when I've been down, but not this time. Maybe I've actually built a foundation on something? I hope I haven't turned any of you off, I don't hate any of you. I just honestly don't know what I'm saying or what I"m feeling.