lostidentity

I feel like I'm in heaven right now. I'm listening to these oldies records my dad has had ever since I was born. There's the usual dancing stuff, but theres also some really poetic music that I never bothered playing when I was around these records. Its kinda funny how you don't care about stuff like that when you're younger.

Fathers day. My dad has certianly gone through some hardships in his lifetime. Many times I wonder about what he's thinking: "I came to this country not even knowing the language. I have a wife. I just had a kid. I have a job in a field I know about. I just lost all use of my left leg due to a hunting accident. I got divorced. I opened up a restaurant with high hopes. Business isn't doing so well. My son is leaving me with his mom to go to PA. Business isnt going so well. My son is moving back with me to go to college. Business isn't doing so well, but at least now its been fourteen years and now I have a name for myself and something that my son can build upon. My son wants to be a priest? I will disown him if he goes down that road. My son takes strickly from his mothers side and he doesn't care about his fathers side. My son isn't going to be a priest, but he's leaving for philadelphia. Business isn't going so well. I have to get my son back here. Business isn't going so well. Looks like my son is serious when he says he's not coming back to Kansas. I better go live with him. I need to see if I can sell this place. My son doesn't want me to live with him. I need to move back to Greece. I sold my business and am going to visit my son for whom I havn't seen in three years.

It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I admitted to myself that the divorce had any impact on me. I always got to see him on the weekends and such, but after I moved with my mom to the poconos, I rarely got to see him. Talked to him on the phone a lot. But a couple of years ago I realized that I only knew my dad as a dad and not as a person. He wanted me to stay with him and do his way of business so bad, but his way of business is so 1950's.

After the divorce he chose to take the serious way with me. For example, he loves soccer, but everytime I would mention it he would say "soccer doesn't put food in your mouth does it?". There will always be a place in my heart for his singing. Another thing he dearly enjoys yet when I talk to him about it its "music is nice, but it doesn't make you any money does it?" I don't think once I have ever heard the words "I'm proud of my son" out of his mouth. Maybe he has said it to others, but its something I've been yearning to hear. It just seems as though he's ashamed of me or something and he always claims that I don't care about his side, which is so not true. But just by reading the above timeline I described of his life, I can understand how there is a lot of bitterness there. It just sucks for me that I only have the times when I was a child to appreciate him. Everytime I hear him sing, I cry.