lostidentity

A couple of months ago I was about a week or two away from putting a gun to my head. During that time I joined the post you phone number thread. I posted my phone number and within a half an hour, I got a phone call from someone called sunshinedust. She invited me to a conference call and it was pretty cool. As the days went by, the calls got longer and longer and I could feel a connection develop between me, sunshinedust, lokicoyote (currently TheSeadog, and throwabomb. Hours and hours of talk and stories. What makes these people important to me is that they have helped me realize a lot of things that are good about me and bad about me. I have realized how much of a trustworthy impact I have made on people and I feel so lucky to be able to have that. On the other hand, I'm also extremely sensitive, for which the only solution I can come up with for that is getting confidence. Analyzing myself is my tool of choice for battling this depression.

I feel as though I am crawling out of the hole and being generally upbeat about things. Sometime this week, I will be approaching another one of those 'make it or break it' type events. It just feels like I'm going before a parole board or something. Just like an inmate has to show their good behavior, I have to show my 'happiness'.

If I get the 'bad' end of the decision, I'm not sure if I will be around here for much longer. Thats why I wanted to tell all of you this. My love and appreciation for you is enormous and I hope that someday we will meet in person. Hopefully, we will never lose contact, but if it happens, I will still never forget you.