lostidentity

Thanks for the birthday greetings Please don't take this as a gesture of unsatisfaction, but this years birthday was the absolute worst. I woke up in the moring and saw my parents sent me an e-card. When I clicked on it, I saw one of the most cheesiest (literally speaking), cute, depressing animations I've ever seen. Even the music was so devastatingly cute and funny. It was this mouse who wakes up and comes out of its hole in the wall, looks left, right, left again and its eyes get really huge and theres this huge chunk of cheese waiting for it. MMMM, out comes the 10 foot ladder, and then theres a slice of cheese with a candle on it. The music was so cute and definitely a 'kids' type. I saw this around 6am, and for literally the next two hours, I couldn't stop crying. On and off tears was my day today. And I see no end in sight. Truely one of the lowest days I've yet to experience. I can't even begin to explain the amount of loneliness that had seeped into me starting from that moment when I saw this cartoon. I just wanted to give my mom, dad, and stepdad this huge hug, and I couldn't. This is what my idea of life is. Family gathering around for celebrations and holidays. Fortunately, I have my stepsister who invites me for most holidays, but theres nothing like being with your family on a sunday afternoon/night, nothing like being with them on christmas, nothing like being with them on easter, etc. etc. etc. For the record, I will never actually commit the act of murder upon myself for only one reason. There are people out there who genuinely do care about me and who want only the best for me. It just so happens though that they are thousands of miles away. Birthdays have been more memorable for me when I was a child, but I don't give a fuck how old you are, its still really humbling getting a hug or kiss from your mother on your birthday. I haven't had that for years now.