lorensoth

I am a sap

I have been one for as long as I can remember, and its rather strange to think about. Last night I drank an entire 6pac alone, trying to fill that empty feeling in my heart. But it was just there ten times worse when I woke up, and all I could do was listen to a song that I knew would make me cry...

I try to ignore alot of the pain I feel in my chest, its not like physical pain, but a pain that is much much worse. I ask myself alot of questions when I am crying. "Why do I have to remember" "Why do I always feel this" Why wont it go away". Id like to think IM a strong confident guy, but in truth im just scared and alone.

Maybe alot of people feel this pain too, most people probally just bury it as well... I know alot fo what Im feeling is because of all the alcohol I drank last night, it is a depressant as I well know. I want to be as strong and as smart as I can be, but Im so good at closing myself off from the world... that its not easy for me to change.

I am afraid of tomorrow... I am afraid nothing will come of it, I am afraid I wont be accepted into any schools, I am afraid I am not smart enough, I am afraid I am not attractive enough... I am afraid, sad and alone in my heart and in my mind every day... and I am the only one who can try to change that

The song that I have been listening to today is a song some people might not like, but in the show that its in... well the character who sings it, is a character I can relate to. For most of my life I have felt rejected, I feel that whenever someone looks at me that I am being judged and analyzed in some way. And I never think that anyone might like me, I always think that people see all my flaws and are just pitying me.

The same holds true here in a way, I dont want pity. But when I try to explain how I feel each day, that is usually what I get... I have many regrets... and to many sad memories... I can only hope, tomorrow will be a new day...

(This video below is what Ive been watching over and over again today. It wont let me show it here so if your curious, you can follow the link)

Memories