Well I descided to get a cheaper car, wel actualty my available funds descided for me.
Oh well. Its a start.... at 36. How fucked is that.
I write this for me Just to get it off my chest, and straighten thoughrs out, not for sympathy.
I keep wondering when things will get better. I got an edumication thinking that was an important part. It hasn't done much for me but guve me alot of debt that is looming over my head. I went to counceling to help deal with my shitty situation. It helped to learn that I shouldent be living as the brunt of someone elses rage. but hey the shittyness is ever present.
Its not that I am an unhappy negative person. The meds have helped tremendously. I can function, given the chance, but keep finding myself in positions that are Shitty. I can see the descisions that have taken me where I didnt want to go.
I dont feel responcable for the current situation. Somehow at burth I became my mothers parent. Allways abcent in one form never able to take care of herself. That beacme my job wether I liked it or not. Somehow forced to become a parent to my parent.
I can see how I ended up with a psyco. I was groomed for it. To think that lying and avoiding problems is normal. A white elephant is still an elephant weather it be an absent person or drug.
Never met my father and as far as everyone around me grandparents, and uncles, I just had none. Even young I new that wasn't possible. What made them think the 8 year old that read encyclopedias for fun wouldent figure it out. So I thought I was the result of prostitution. Why not? There was no emotional conection to my father, no stories , no "You look like him." No agnowledgement whatsoever. I finaly learned his mane when I was 26. Not that I missed him or was even curious. You cant miss what you have never known, and have no inkling of.
I have learned to break some behaviours and being back in this position with my mom trying to suck me back in trying to make me responsible for her. To mention fairness, well therer is nothing fair about it. And it will continue after she passes in the future.
I was here 9 months ago when I opened the door I almost puked even with enough sedatives to put a horse to sleep. The responce was so viseral,imediatly detaching me from my body making the world apear as if it was at the other end of a paper towl tunnel. The walls were diccoulored yellower at the bottom with piles of fur settling outside the traffic paths. She sat in the living room chain smoking, revelling in it like smoked meat. Standing there a stench flowed over the edge of the loft, strong enough to flavour the air and make it bend light like heat on a highway.
I fllowed the smell up the stairs. It dident take but a few steps to see what was causing the smell. Piles of cat shit. As I went for the rake and shovel I shook and ground my teeth not knowing why I hadent thrown up, not noticing that I couldn't feel anything. I filled a 35 gallon waste bucket twice with nothing but shit. For 5 years 5 cats shit and pissed in the loft like it was a litterbox. I got a dumpster from a local waste handling firm. Spent the next week throwing the couch and carpet, both weighted down with piss, in it. I also had to remove 4 qubic yards of garbage that her husband had dumped in between the house and garage before he died.
I asked her why she was living like this she just said it wasn't that bad and she had a hard time when Joe got sick and died. That was 4 years past, at this point. Her dogs arnt even house broken they go where ever the urge strikes. At least they did untill I got here. now they go out side like it or not.
I go on grinding my teeth trying to remain in touch with my body and find a way out of here.
Oh well. Its a start.... at 36. How fucked is that.
I write this for me Just to get it off my chest, and straighten thoughrs out, not for sympathy.
I keep wondering when things will get better. I got an edumication thinking that was an important part. It hasn't done much for me but guve me alot of debt that is looming over my head. I went to counceling to help deal with my shitty situation. It helped to learn that I shouldent be living as the brunt of someone elses rage. but hey the shittyness is ever present.
Its not that I am an unhappy negative person. The meds have helped tremendously. I can function, given the chance, but keep finding myself in positions that are Shitty. I can see the descisions that have taken me where I didnt want to go.
I dont feel responcable for the current situation. Somehow at burth I became my mothers parent. Allways abcent in one form never able to take care of herself. That beacme my job wether I liked it or not. Somehow forced to become a parent to my parent.
I can see how I ended up with a psyco. I was groomed for it. To think that lying and avoiding problems is normal. A white elephant is still an elephant weather it be an absent person or drug.
Never met my father and as far as everyone around me grandparents, and uncles, I just had none. Even young I new that wasn't possible. What made them think the 8 year old that read encyclopedias for fun wouldent figure it out. So I thought I was the result of prostitution. Why not? There was no emotional conection to my father, no stories , no "You look like him." No agnowledgement whatsoever. I finaly learned his mane when I was 26. Not that I missed him or was even curious. You cant miss what you have never known, and have no inkling of.
I have learned to break some behaviours and being back in this position with my mom trying to suck me back in trying to make me responsible for her. To mention fairness, well therer is nothing fair about it. And it will continue after she passes in the future.
I was here 9 months ago when I opened the door I almost puked even with enough sedatives to put a horse to sleep. The responce was so viseral,imediatly detaching me from my body making the world apear as if it was at the other end of a paper towl tunnel. The walls were diccoulored yellower at the bottom with piles of fur settling outside the traffic paths. She sat in the living room chain smoking, revelling in it like smoked meat. Standing there a stench flowed over the edge of the loft, strong enough to flavour the air and make it bend light like heat on a highway.
I fllowed the smell up the stairs. It dident take but a few steps to see what was causing the smell. Piles of cat shit. As I went for the rake and shovel I shook and ground my teeth not knowing why I hadent thrown up, not noticing that I couldn't feel anything. I filled a 35 gallon waste bucket twice with nothing but shit. For 5 years 5 cats shit and pissed in the loft like it was a litterbox. I got a dumpster from a local waste handling firm. Spent the next week throwing the couch and carpet, both weighted down with piss, in it. I also had to remove 4 qubic yards of garbage that her husband had dumped in between the house and garage before he died.
I asked her why she was living like this she just said it wasn't that bad and she had a hard time when Joe got sick and died. That was 4 years past, at this point. Her dogs arnt even house broken they go where ever the urge strikes. At least they did untill I got here. now they go out side like it or not.
I go on grinding my teeth trying to remain in touch with my body and find a way out of here.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I don't have the best relationship with my Mom. Actually it's okay on the surface but sometimes I feel it is kinda superficial. I had years of physical and verbal abuse...I never forget the look on my shrinks face when she read the letter of some of what I went through. (I had to write it, I didn't even want to talk about it) but all in all I try not to think about it.
Fathers are overrated. (well maybe not) My dad' hasn't spoken to me in about 5 years because he won't call my mom just to get a number to contact me. If he called you know what would happen?....she would give him my number and that would be the end of it. I can't believe this grown man who is almost 50 can do something that simple to speak to his only daughter.
So if I want some kind of relationship with him, I will have to go seek him out.
Anyhow, you are a great person to stay there and deal with her problems on top of you getting your own stuff straight, I'll give you that.
xo