I just realized you can go back and look at look at all your past entries. It was strange to see where the folks that are/were on my friends list came into effect and what sort of tale of whoa I was telling that they decided to respond to out of the goodness of their heart. It will be a year on this site come July and looking back I can see all the things that made up the year and all the things I did that wasted that time.
There is alot I want to say but can't sum it all up at the moment. Basically I've spent lots of time being sad and complaining and not much has come of it. I realized I drank alot more a year ago and that has been cut back to nearly nothing which is good but without liquid "social courage" I spend much time alone now, thinking lots but not doing much. Going out and reciting the the same old bullshit lines is pointless though when conversation goes nowhere and the humdrum of the evening is no longer hazed by liquor. Maybe I lack the skill to break through the surface level interaction or maybe I'm to critical/self-concious that I don't want to hear those cliche reality dating show questions to come out of my mouth. Either way you slice it being shy without booze is not well percieved by others. But, I refuse to believe that alchohol should be necessary for people to enjoy the company of one another.
A peculiar and dry wit seems to be dead these days. I know it exists!...I've seen it here!
So I sit and complain about not wanting to waste my time but I will sit here and type my convoluted thoughts and think nothing of it. But looking back at past entries I realize much of my words sound like a broken record. I rant and rave, go to sleep and wake up only to drudge through (or completely sleep through) another day that I will bitch and moan about. Recently I was trying to explain what I was into to someone and I noticed my response was pretty pathetic. I have completly abandoned photography due to it's expensive nature but I have, since then, not picked anything else up. I have nothing to show for my time aside from pay stubs, college credits, miles on my car, and past journal entries...
I like to think that moving to SF is going to be the change I need. I will be back around good friends and away from poison ones, living in a city with some life and going to a school that doesn't have the word "junior" before college. I just don't know though. Getting something done rides alot on me being motivated and I have a hard time being that. I hate seeing boring people who just schlep through life and swore I would never be that...it's hard to stay one step ahead of them though.
loveWilliamPatrickLudlowAKAbillyboy...
There is alot I want to say but can't sum it all up at the moment. Basically I've spent lots of time being sad and complaining and not much has come of it. I realized I drank alot more a year ago and that has been cut back to nearly nothing which is good but without liquid "social courage" I spend much time alone now, thinking lots but not doing much. Going out and reciting the the same old bullshit lines is pointless though when conversation goes nowhere and the humdrum of the evening is no longer hazed by liquor. Maybe I lack the skill to break through the surface level interaction or maybe I'm to critical/self-concious that I don't want to hear those cliche reality dating show questions to come out of my mouth. Either way you slice it being shy without booze is not well percieved by others. But, I refuse to believe that alchohol should be necessary for people to enjoy the company of one another.
A peculiar and dry wit seems to be dead these days. I know it exists!...I've seen it here!
So I sit and complain about not wanting to waste my time but I will sit here and type my convoluted thoughts and think nothing of it. But looking back at past entries I realize much of my words sound like a broken record. I rant and rave, go to sleep and wake up only to drudge through (or completely sleep through) another day that I will bitch and moan about. Recently I was trying to explain what I was into to someone and I noticed my response was pretty pathetic. I have completly abandoned photography due to it's expensive nature but I have, since then, not picked anything else up. I have nothing to show for my time aside from pay stubs, college credits, miles on my car, and past journal entries...
I like to think that moving to SF is going to be the change I need. I will be back around good friends and away from poison ones, living in a city with some life and going to a school that doesn't have the word "junior" before college. I just don't know though. Getting something done rides alot on me being motivated and I have a hard time being that. I hate seeing boring people who just schlep through life and swore I would never be that...it's hard to stay one step ahead of them though.
loveWilliamPatrickLudlowAKAbillyboy...
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In fact, it wasn't until this past summer that I met some people who I could actually relate to and enjoy (who I preferred being sober around, and now for the first time I actually can call some people here true "friends"). As a result life here has become much more bearable. All I can say is that either every town, no matter how dreadful-seeming, has its share of like-minded people, or perhaps normally shy (and sober) people can only make good friends with a small number of others around whom they feel comfortable and less vulnerable.
I, too, plan on moving to SF (with one of the best friends I have made in Chico), and I tell myself the same thing you said. But then, I remember telling myself that three years ago when I moved to Chico, so I'm only cautiously optimistic.
Well, at least in my tired state, I think some of that is what you may be going through...
Oh yeah, if you're doing your community service bullshit again and want good vegan food in Chico, I recommend the Peeking Chinese restaurant on 2nd St, next to the Black Crow (adjacent to The Bear). You can substitute wheat meat in many of their dinners. I've tried it and dig it, and my vegan friends really love it!
[Edited on May 11, 2004 1:07AM]
[Edited on May 11, 2004 1:08AM]
The synthpop song was by the band Soviet; their cd (released a few years ago, but already put of print...) is called We Are Eyes, We Are Builders - definitely a great cd if you can find it.