Today on the way to work, I broke down in tears, I don't even know why. Yesterday on my way to church as I made the turn fom the offramp from the highway into Los Osos this strange wave of depression suddenly hit me. Now, I was just thinking that up until the point I started smoking pot regularly a few months ago (pretty much right after the first time I rolled on halloween) I was depressed and obsessed with finding friends and feeling utterly alone and lost. My dream yesterday I wrote about ended with that same startling conclusion.
I told a friend she could hold me to my word that I would stay clean for a month. Just now as I lay here trying to sleep in a sweat with my mind and heart racing- the fact that it's only been 4 days is disgusting. I can't help but fear that I really can't enjoy my life under the cloud of intoxication. This will be a good test though. I've been happy for a while, and until the past few days- all those yucky, negative thoughts have been non-existent.
I hope I really have become a happier person. I haven't been able to pray a honest and clear pray for a while now I don't think even though I try every couple days. Say a little prayer for me wont you, I can't help but be a little frightened. I also can't help but think that I haven't had a REAL discussion about anything of importance in me or my friends lives for some time. It's all so shallow I can hardly stand it.
Well.... maybe it's just because it's late at night and I just watched Fight Club and so now I've gone a little crazy. Guess I'll find out in the morning.
I told a friend she could hold me to my word that I would stay clean for a month. Just now as I lay here trying to sleep in a sweat with my mind and heart racing- the fact that it's only been 4 days is disgusting. I can't help but fear that I really can't enjoy my life under the cloud of intoxication. This will be a good test though. I've been happy for a while, and until the past few days- all those yucky, negative thoughts have been non-existent.
I hope I really have become a happier person. I haven't been able to pray a honest and clear pray for a while now I don't think even though I try every couple days. Say a little prayer for me wont you, I can't help but be a little frightened. I also can't help but think that I haven't had a REAL discussion about anything of importance in me or my friends lives for some time. It's all so shallow I can hardly stand it.
Well.... maybe it's just because it's late at night and I just watched Fight Club and so now I've gone a little crazy. Guess I'll find out in the morning.
kirara367:
You are so too over analytical about your life. XD That's the pot calling the kettle black, but whatever. I think it'll be good for you to step back from all of drugs and whatever for a bit though, just to make sure your goals and dreams are still there and you aren't becoming a useless blob. I'm rooting for you! Hey, if I can give up tobacco you should be able to stay clean for a friggin month. >.> It's cheaper, anyhow.