londoncalling

Here's some words. I've started a blog at 23yearoldamericanboy.blogspot.com to journalize and document my writing process for this work.


I was lying in the bed of a girl whose last name I didnt know and it was almost 3am. My Twilight Singers t-shirt, which simply says, Twilight is for Lovers with a little red heart next to the last word, was in the corner on the floor next to my jeans, underwear and worn out Chuck Taylors. I was drunk and the glass of water she gave me an hour before wasnt enough to keep my throat from drying out. She put on a record False Cathedrals by Elliot and I hoped that the experience didnt ruin the album for me. I had a nagging feeling that if there was anywhere in the world that I was not supposed to be, especially while not wearing any clothes, it was right there. But instead, as the bass came in hard in Calm Americans, we began kissing. The sheets began to wrap around us and I was trapped, wrapped in a web, but at least it felt good to have a womans skin moving softly against mine.

She paused after a few minutes. Do you want to... you know? she whispered in my ear.

I should just say no, but the easiest word in the English language seemed to be the hardest one to say. I dont have a condom, stupidly came out instead.

I have some, she said.

At that point, I began to wonder how exactly I ended up in this position.

Earlier that night I had run into her at a show for a local band that was celebrating the release of their full-length record and I had done my part in helping them produce it. I knew everyone important in the audience, the club owner was buying me drinks, and the band thanked me from the stage. I felt like a king. She saw all of this and was impressed, or acted like she was impressed.

I, on the other hand, wasnt sure what to make of her presence there. A couple weeks before she was going though a rough break up and we had hooked up to help her forget about it. But now she was here and I let her become part of my royal experience.

After the band had finished, she asked me to walk her to her car, but I blew her off to socialize with the band after the show. She hung around though and I ended up walking out the door with her. I tried to say goodnight, but she wasnt ready to leave me. Ben, the bass player for the band, walked out at that time with his girlfriend. He saw us standing there together so I kissed her. I half wanted to continue feeling like the man of the evening and half hoped that the kiss was all she wanted, but instead of satisfying her, it only nudged her forward. She asked me back to her place and somehow I allowed myself to end up here. I remember thinking of all the excuses I could use to get out and not sound like an asshole, but I never used any of them. And now were here and were naked.

Then she quietly said, I need this, before she sweetly bit my ear and then kissed my neck. She unknowingly hit my soft spot and sent a chill down my spine while the muscles on the right side of my torso tensed up and I took in a deep breath.

Who am I to turn down sex? I thought.


Later that morning, just before the sun began to rise, I laid there with my eyes half open, but I wasnt awake. My mind uncomfortably sat in that altered state between sleep and consciousness where the reflection of the day mixes with the dream world. When Im here, Im never sure if the things that exist in my brain are truth or fiction, but this time I was sure. In an instant my eyes reached full attention and I sat up. I realized all at once how the events of tonight had been the latest and most egregious defiance of myself in a long line of defiances. I was stuck in the deepest depression that I had ever been in four years of struggling with the sickness. I felt like I was in danger of losing myself forever and forfeiting my purpose and potential for a life that wasnt supposed to be mine. I told her I had to go and quickly gathered my things. I promised it wasnt about her as I sloppily put on my clothes and hurried to my car to drive off.

There was a soft light that had begun creeping up the blue-black sky. I stopped by a gas station before hitting the highway and wondered what kind of people would be up this early on a Saturday and why. The four early morning shoppers were all male and nothing about them answered my questions, but I was sure they were on to me. Certainly they saw me put on my shirt in the parking lot and noticed that my shoes werent tied and I wasnt wearing socks. Surely they noted my matted hair and flushed complexion and knew that I had been up all night and that a woman was involved, and if I was leaving at this hour, then something must have gone sour. I can tell by the look in the eye of the guy buying coffee that he suspects everything. Despite his Big Johnson T-shirt, he knows Im the asshole. I ignored him, purchased the biggest bottle of water they had and hurried out of the store.

The drive home was long and lonely. I thought about my recent revelation and I tried to digest the past events. I wanted to accept them and let them become a part of me, but they were hard to swallow. The scent made me nauseous, like the smell of liquor the day after you get drunk and sick for the first time. I was overwhelmed as things unfolded in my brain and I began to connect the dots, but I still wasnt sure where this downward spiral began.