lolablu

I'm having panic attacks about babies. Really. It sounds ridiculous, but I feel like I'm experiencing ongoing trauma. There are so many new babies and new moms surrounding me right now. I'm jealous of babies. People take care of them. And apparently, it's not OK for me to admit my jealousy or the fact that I kind of hate babies right now. I'm a woman, so people seem to expect me to like them, or at least to feel comfortable around them. Well, I don't.

I feel like an alien because I want to feel happy for friends that are pregnant or new moms or dads, but I can't feel happiness. There's nothing but fear where the happiness should be. I can't explain, but it's awful. I don't feel normal. I have some idea of where this comes from, and I'm not going to get into it, but I'm also pretty confused.

I actually have panic symptoms when I see babies sometimes. I'm awake right now when I should be sleeping because I'm fucking terrified and thinking about babies.

I've been talking about this with my therapist, but... umm... she's one of the million pregnant people I know, so I can't feel entirely comfortable.

I want to scream.