I think I'm sinking. We haven't heard about the appraisal (the last thing holding up the sale of the house) and it's going on two days now. We had to shell out a couple grand to get all of the work done (the water pressure issue was a nightmare). My mom has become very negative as of late, and it is making me negative.

I'm doubting my choices and worried I did the wrong thing, but I'm too far along too committed to this to move backwards.

I am not really a huge Nietzsche fan, but his thoughts on staring into the abyss are spot in:

For some reason, I have this story in my head about this song, I don't know if it was told to me by someone one drunken night in an Edinburgh pub or if I dreamed it. The story goes that the guy who wrote this had a mentally challenged brother and he wrote this song for him because of how much the kids at school picked on him. I don't know if that's even true, but I like it.

My dad had a habit of always picking the underdog. He liked to root for whoever was the current kicking boy. I think this is because of his childhood. He was the oldest of 12, when his parents were going through tough times with daughter that had spina bifida, he was dumped off at his grand parents place with no warning, left there to be raised by them. By the age of 15 he was a runaway. I think he never felt wanted, he never felt loved. Even with my mother and I caring so much about him I fear he died not believing we loved him.

I would give anything in the world for him to be back. I feel like he was such a stronger person than I am, I need him back to show me how to be that strong. To help me learn how to be better prepared to take care of my mother and a family of my own.

My house is going, and I'm afraid it won't even gross the kind of return I was expecting. My world is sinking, and I feel like I'm slipping down that abyss.