lizzymizzery

i am so utterly beat...! twelve to thirteen hours a day six to seven days a week, i work. i work my ass off. i wake up at five in the morning, go for a jog, get ready for work, arrive by six thirty to open the salon, take client after client, and often times i am doing two or three at a time until about eight or nine o'clock at night. then i go to events like screamfest or the shows at big easy and do makeup for the burlesque dancers and models for an hour and a half. i then hostess until one thirty, two o'clock in the morning at the kink club, and wake up in the morning to do it all over again. i don't know how long i can carry on, because soon i will be juggling tattooing again. good lord where has my free time gone? still it seems i am making no money. what the fuck. this is so frustrating. i have a morgage to pay, and no life. everything i do and everyone i associate myself with are work related....hell i even dream about work when i finally fall asleep at night. atrociously cliche nightmares about corporate horrors, huge stacks of paperwork, bitchy customers, and learing, menacing bosses. it's killing me. i almost want to maim myself on the job so i can sue for a million dollars. shit.

it really truly feels like all life is, is all work, no play, then you just drop off the face of the earth and die. fade away. become a distant memory or some small thing forgotten all together once you have ended. i am small. that is not what i want to be! i am working so hard to get somewhere, achieve something, get recognized, and it seems to all be going to waste. my life is just ending one minute at a time. i have to live with this knowledge, this insight that i want to be great, but there's a good possibility it will not happen that way. i want immortalize my existence somehow. like van gogh or shakespeare. like electricity, they are lasting entities. they existed before me, and they will continue to exist after i am gone. always there. always a force. their names are on the tips of the tongues of millions, billions of people, at one point or another and i want that.

i have never been one to follow any form of a beaten path. the absurdities i call my life are rather great in number. i have never had a problem with that, however, i don't like where i am at as of present. i am not enjoying myself, and no matter what kind of mess i get into, i find that to be the most important thing to keep with me. i have a portfolio to finish which i have barely started. then i have to somehow find the right connections and get my damn art noticed by the right poeple.....ugh. my life is moving at too fast a pace. i am only nineteen, i should be off fucking around with my friends like every other nineteen year old i know. but instead im running on a high stress fast paced treadmill from hell trying to get my life going in the direction i want it. i miss being younger. when i didn't give a shit.