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livingoutloud

Charlotte, North Carolina

Member Since 2004

Followers 116 Following 58

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Monday Sep 12, 2005

Sep 12, 2005
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Last night, I finally took the time to take care of myself. I turned on the Frank Sinatra, cleaned the house and got some solid rest. I meant to do the same tonight but the universe was conspiring against me.

I tried to listen to the radio, but the first station I turned to was playing a weighted song. The song I ran to a year ago. I tried to flip, but two separate other stations were playing the same thing. I got freaked out because its not even a popular song. Why would three stations be playing it simultaneously?
I lit some candles and laid down to a night of reading. But the text referenced a show...particular show, That show i punched walls on, a time, a choice. I tried to ignore the reference. I move on to the next section. The the candle wax split onto the floor and I couldnt help but think about the Walker street house and that night, and how I never got the wax out of my sheets, and how I eventually gave them away to some homeless man on the subway during one of my fits.
I blew out the candles, packed the reading away, and decided to take a bath.
'When was the last time I drew a bath?' I remembered. I path of rose petals and an unending desire to make things right. I pushed it out of my mind and put the ipod on shuffle. Any noise to replace my head.
Soon enough a round of Mazzy Star songs came on. All of them from that on night I had with Elisa in the cedar street house. We got drunk on Jack and talked it all out, we went out and broke our highball glasses on the sidewalk in a sort of ritual. And it relatesin that circular sort of way.

And I think the universe had it in for me today . I think it threw you up in my face every chance it got.

And I say fuck the universe.
Fuck the brokenness and the beaten and the breast cancer.
Fuck the morning.
I admit to my ugliness. Ive learned to fuck like a man. Ive gone after women solely to slake my ego. Ive taken an underage girl into the barroom bathroom and broken her heart. Ive been the other woman on multiple occasions and Ive taken a perverse joy in it. And the other night I engaged an otherwise unappealing man solely because he resembled Jim and I wanted to break myself of that history.
I think these things are necessary. I was too optimistic earlier to think that I could bypass them by observation alone. Horrendous mistakes should be made, even while fully conscious of them.

Cars drove off tonighttheir tailights still visible when a busted blue pickup pulled over by the side of the rode. He was 6 foot plus a few, just big enough so that I didnt feel comfortable. Need a ride? No. Where you going? Nowhere. Why the attitude? Fuck off. What did you say? Fuck Off! I made it home, that all that counts. The threat keeps you appreciative. Tomorrow Ill fix the flat tire and set my mind right.

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