*so I found an apartment I really like.
I mean, it has four walls and fits my budget. What's not to like?
So I want to move at the end of this month. My current crashmate tells me I should stay another month and get more financially stable. I figure I'm never going to feel really stable or secure, so now is a good a time as any. Plus, when I really look back on it, I haven't had a 'place' in two years. I haven't really slept in my own bed for two years! I've had enough of this nomadic mess. Its time to pack it up and grab a corner of the universe as my own agian....even if for only a little while.
*I have decided this morning to quit smoking...and not in the bullshit way I've decided before. It stupid, its dependent, ita a crutch...and I'm trying to clear those out these days. I figure if I broadcast it loud enough I can pull it off. Becuase I truely do believe that you can speak things into reality.
*My grandfather is getting worse, and the worse he gets the guiltier I feel.
I'm not used to the old or the sick. I feel the same awkwardness and surrealness around them as I do small children. I don't know if this is because of some lack of exposure or some unrecognized fear or what but that sense of distance and complete inability to connect worries me.
But what worries me more is the knowledge that I don't react to death properly...if at all. I've had family I loved and family I barely knew pass away. I've had friends die of accidents, suicides, and murders. Still, I've never felt much of anything. And I know I'm not some emotionally 'numb' asshat. Plus, I wouldn't even describe the feeling as one of blankness. Its more a general 'okness'. I just never really grieve and I think I should, and thats where the guilt comes in.
*Got a call from that actor chick in NY. Its great to realize how small and silly things sound from far away and further along.
I mean, it has four walls and fits my budget. What's not to like?
So I want to move at the end of this month. My current crashmate tells me I should stay another month and get more financially stable. I figure I'm never going to feel really stable or secure, so now is a good a time as any. Plus, when I really look back on it, I haven't had a 'place' in two years. I haven't really slept in my own bed for two years! I've had enough of this nomadic mess. Its time to pack it up and grab a corner of the universe as my own agian....even if for only a little while.
*I have decided this morning to quit smoking...and not in the bullshit way I've decided before. It stupid, its dependent, ita a crutch...and I'm trying to clear those out these days. I figure if I broadcast it loud enough I can pull it off. Becuase I truely do believe that you can speak things into reality.
*My grandfather is getting worse, and the worse he gets the guiltier I feel.
I'm not used to the old or the sick. I feel the same awkwardness and surrealness around them as I do small children. I don't know if this is because of some lack of exposure or some unrecognized fear or what but that sense of distance and complete inability to connect worries me.
But what worries me more is the knowledge that I don't react to death properly...if at all. I've had family I loved and family I barely knew pass away. I've had friends die of accidents, suicides, and murders. Still, I've never felt much of anything. And I know I'm not some emotionally 'numb' asshat. Plus, I wouldn't even describe the feeling as one of blankness. Its more a general 'okness'. I just never really grieve and I think I should, and thats where the guilt comes in.
*Got a call from that actor chick in NY. Its great to realize how small and silly things sound from far away and further along.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I feel the same way about the old and the to young. I will kill myself before I get to old, or plant my brain in a robot.
Smoking smells. Just say that over and over and nothing will happen.
Be easy.